I'm a Christian, I've had the born-again experience. I know that we all slip sometimes, but I've done more than slip. I have ruined my testimony to my family, which I'm sure doesn't matter to them anyway. They've all been in church their whole lives and treat Jesus like he's a fairy tale. I got Holy Ghost conviction poured on me for some reason. I broke out of religion and found the true Holy Ghost fire. I have to live with them though and they make me so mad. They make me explode in anger. I cuss yet again, I run to the bottle, and the whole time I know it's wrong with the burning in my heart.
But I have nowhere else to go. How can I get on my knees and pray while people are cussing at me and at each other? I've tried because I love God. I've tried because I want to please him and do what's right. When I fall my heart hurts so bad.
Now I've grown to hate them. I want them to die because I can't escape. I know how wrong all of this is, believe me. He's calling out from the inside reminding me of His word, but the anger has swallowed me, and now I've gotten to the point that I can't seem to get back. I just want to be that Spirit-filled person again. I don't want to be angry. I can't go forth and tell the brethren how I'm struggling because lots of them look up to me. I've only been saved for three and a half years.
I feel like I'm going to kill myself. The only thing that keeps me from pulling the trigger is my dog. He's all I got, and I can't leave him wondering where I went. But I'm starting to wonder how much longer that's going to matter if I can't find my escape from this place I'm in. Or find my way back to that place I was once in with God. I can't live a Christian life in this home. Three and a half years of anger is about to kill me or kill them.
Any advice would be appreciated, but I understand this isn't a question. I'm just a random guy who needs someone to actually pray for him.
The beginning to solving a problem is recognizing that it exists.
What I am gathering is that you selected a version of Christianity (for a lack of a better phrase) that is different from the rest of your family. They hold that against you, but then you also think they are wrong. This hatred is eating you up inside. "He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness until now. He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him. But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes" (I John 2:9-11).
While you see your choice as being led by the Spirit; yet, something has to be off because: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-25). The fruit you are currently experiencing cannot be the fruit of the Spirit, so let's step back figure out where things are going wrong.
One problem is that you mentioned drinking and I suspect that you have been drinking excessively in a poor attempt to escape your family's disapproval. "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles -- when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3). It is great that you have a zeal for God, but that zeal has to be aimed in the right direction. We don't want to be like the Jews, "For I bear them witness that they have a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge. For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and seeking to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted to the righteousness of God" (Romans 10:2-3).
There are lots of things that sound good but are not necessarily good. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 14:12). I suspect that many of your decisions of late have been from your emotions, your heart. Because they are your feelings, it is hard to step back and ask if those feelings are actually right. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). The point is that feelings can change and be manipulated; truth, however, is solid and unwavering. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7). You have to put your feelings aside and trust the teachings of God.
I'm going to ask a lot from you. There are many things we need to discuss and I just don't know enough about your situation. So I'm going to ask you to stay in touch with me.