I’m slipping into sin, but I know I need to return to the Father
Question:
I've been struggling horribly the past two years, going deeper into my desires and sins, going away from God and His purposes for me. I used to be "on fire" and always reading the Bible and spending time with God. But honestly, I gave up seeking. I gave up on the Spirit of God in my life.
Alcohol has played a big role in my distance from Him. I have lately developed anger issues like never before, more in my heart than in my actions. I feel demon-possessed at times. How could such evil be in my heart, I wonder? Like what was written, the clean house is seven times worse than before, right? Are they back? Have I returned to my own vomit? Have I been a vessel of God's wrath all along?
I know I need to get back to the Father's open arms and stop squandering His blessings in my life with "literally" reckless living.
An Internet search pulled up What Must I Do to Go to Heaven? which lead me to your church. I read it in its entirety, and I have also read some of your home page, which seems very solid and unlike the normal Christian stuff that's around. I'm surrounded by some decent brothers, some of whom I should be the example to and teach, but right now I am fallen. But I just wanted to say thanks for your site and would surely appreciate your prayers or even any feedback, comments, or questions, if you'd spare the time in helping me. My first hurdle is reading and praying again.
Answer:
"Let your heart hold fast my words; Keep my commandments and live; Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding! Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; Love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding. Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty" (Proverbs 4:4-9).
When you are in a pit, the only way out is out of the pit. It requires hard work and effort, much more than it took to get into the pit, but it is worth every drop of sweat when you finally are out of the pit.
Of course, alcohol has separated you from God. God said for Christians to be sober. "But you, brethren, are not in darkness, that the day would overtake you like a thief; for you are all sons of light and sons of day. We are not of night nor of darkness; so then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober. For those who sleep do their sleeping at night, and those who get drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Thessalonians 5:4-9). You can't be close to God while going against what He said.
Difficulty controlling your anger is a side-effect of your use of alcohol. See: Why Does Drinking Release the Rage? Understand Alcohol-Related Anger and Aggression. It should not be surprising that alcohol is affecting you just as it affects other people.
You seem to have the right idea. This isn't just about quitting your sins. If you only do that, you will leave a vacuum that will get refilled with sin. You have to fill your life up with good, productive things so that there is no longer room for sin.
By the way, don't make this about getting "the feeling" back. This is about living righteously because it is the right thing to do and there is no other way to please God. Somewhere along the way, you will find that those feelings of joy came back. Feelings follow, they shouldn't lead.
