I think my husband is having a secret affair and I don’t know how to deal with it


Good Day,

I have been married to my husband for less than ten years. We have several children together. My husband also has even more children from before we met. I chose to forgive and accept him as he indicated that he had grown from those mistakes and wanted to start a committed life with me.

During the past year, especially during my pregnancy, my husband has been treating me very badly. He has been neglecting me, emotionally and verbally abusive toward me, told me he is considering taking a second wife because I am not worthy enough, and told me he is leaving me then later said he will never leave me. It has been a very depressing roller coaster experience and put a lot of strain on my pregnancy. By God's grace, the baby was born healthy and my husband has not left me.

I have a huge suspicion and evidence that my husband is committing adultery and has a baby with another woman. I suspect his family knows too and this disappointed me as I am very close to his family. He once tried to confess something to me and then changed his mind.

The knowledge and suspicion of this baby and affair is an extremely painful truth to understand, and my husband doesn’t even realize the pain I am going through as he thinks I don’t know.

Even with this huge disappointment, I love my husband and want to make our marriage work. I just don’t know what to do with what I suspect nor how to handle the pain I am going through alone. I have felt so lonely and unprotected by my husband for the past year and now my feeling of vulnerability and hurt is even worse.

Please guide me and advise me.


You have been keeping the problems you know about to yourself because you don't want to confront the truth. Even though you have evidence, you continue to classify what is happening as only a suspicion.

As difficult as it is going to be, you need to sit down with your husband and quietly discuss what you know is going on. If you want a chance of keeping your marriage together, then you can't let the discussion devolve into a shouting match. Tell him that you love him and that you want to make the marriage work but you know he has been seeing another woman and has fathered yet another child.

Then, as hard as it is going to be, listen to him explain himself. He might deny everything, he might try to justify his sins, or he might actually regret what he did. If it is the first two, you need to seriously consider whether you want to continue living with an adulterer (Matthew 19:9). If it is the latter, you need to discuss with him about how he is going to repent of this sin. While he should not see the woman again, he is responsible for the child and will have to support the child. In some countries, it is possible for the man to send his support to an agency that then passes it on to the mother, thereby eliminating the need for continued contact. You also need to discuss how he plans to not repeat this sin with other women. If you are comfortable with his responses then you can consider whether to remain with him.

Again, you have some difficult choices to make. You need reasoned discussions to understand your options. Emotional outbursts will hinder clear thinking.

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