I think I have a child with a girl, but she doesn’t want me in her life. What do I do?

Answer:

I'm amazed at times at the foolishness young men will get themselves into just to have sex. Worse in your case, you claim to believe in God, but your actions demonstrate this to be a lie. I am sorry that I must say this so bluntly and harshly, but you really need to know where you stand. "You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God" (James 4:2-4). You are trying to have it both ways. You want God, but you wanted sex more. And you want to keep the result of your sin for your personal pleasure -- you want to be a dad without having first been a husband.

Let's start with the foundational fact. Your body belongs to your wife. I know you haven't met her yet, but one day you will. You had no business using your penis in another woman for your own personal pleasures. "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (I Corinthians 7:2-4). I know you justified it in your head by saying that she would eventually marry you, but all the way through you did not have any commitment. Worse, you knew she was with another man and having sex with him. Now please tell me, why would a sane man want a woman for a wife who doesn't care about commitment and is willing to have sex with multiple men at the same time. And we haven't even addressed the fact that the two of you have completely different views about morality and religion.

Now, you claim to believe in God, but Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). God has said that having sex outside of marriage is not good for people. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). What you were doing is called "fornication." Fornication is having sex outside of marriage. God will not allow people who break His laws into heaven. If you seriously want to get to heaven, you must make your life right with God.

But what most young men do not consider is that when you have sex with a woman, you bind yourself to them. Not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For "the two," He says, "shall become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him" (I Corinthians 6:15-17). But each time you make and break relationships, it makes it that much harder to make and keep other relationships. So not only does committing sin put a barrier between you and God, but it makes it harder for you to keep a relationship with God. It also will make it harder for you to keep a relationship once you do get married. People who have had sex before marriage have much higher divorce rates than those who remain virgins before marriage. In part, it is because they have practice at making and keeping their commitments.

Neither you nor I can be sure the child is yours. But you are correct that the way most countries' laws work, it doesn't matter who the sperm donor is; the woman can declare whomever she wants to be the father. Now the declared father can protest and ask that evidence (DNA test) be produced, but it doesn't work in the reverse direction. You suspect that you might be the father, but without the mother's cooperation, you can't find out. In the United States even if a man is declared to be the biological father (sperm donor) if the woman is married to someone else that man is automatically the father in the eyes of the law. The only thing a man gets for being declared the father is a part of the financial burden of supporting the child. He might get visitation rights but without the cooperation of the mother, even that it is hard to make work.

What I would advise is that you first and foremost get yourself right with God. Make a commitment to keep stay away from sex until you are married -- and that includes no sex during the engagement as well. Then find yourself a godly woman whom you can adore and trust and, if she is willing to have you, marry her.

As far as the child that is possibly yours, you need to leave that behind. You made a huge mistake that is not easily or practically fixed. You will have to leave the rearing of the child in God's hand because it is out of yours. But please learn from this mistake. Creating children out of wedlock does not make your life better and it doesn't make the life of the child happy either.