I kept my boyfriend from penetrating me, but now he won’t talk to me
Question:
Hi,
I am 27 years old. I've kept myself a virgin all these years. I recently met my long-time chase. I told him I was already in a relationship three years ago (that relationship did not work out), so we started talking again and visiting each other.
The first time I visited he tried to kiss me, but I refused and he apologized. As time went on we started all forms of romance but never sex. One day I found a lady's shoe in his car but didn't ask him a thing about it. He later told me it was for his mum, but I ignored it. I also saw him use a lady as his profile picture. I asked him and he said that was his lady. It really was painful because by then I was so into him. I tried to talk him out of it and in the process we started a romance and things were getting serious. I couldn't control him or myself. We ended up naked. I wasn't ready for sex, but he was so hard on me. I then asked him if he was with me or her. He said he was with me, but I didn't believe him. He kept pushing so hard to have sex with me, but I wouldn't let him penetrate me. I read that once a man releases he would be OK, so I held him just at the edge of me but never allowed intercourse. Once he stopped, I put my clothes back on.
Since that incident, he does not answer my calls or called me back. He's still using the other lady as his profile picture. I feel so cheap, disrespected, used, and taken advantage of. I haven't been able to forgive myself. I've betrayed my mum, myself, and above all my God. I can't live with it all. I wanted to do these things only with my God-given husband. I've kept my virginity for 27 years. Though I did not allow him to penetrate, his manhood still touched me and I feel am no longer a virgin. Besides, he saw my nakedness. I feel dirty and so cheap. I can't even forgive myself. Please help me ask for forgiveness.
Thank you.
Answer:
A part of the problem resulted from you wanting to have this man so badly that you purposely overlooked hints that he was not a good man. You knew from the first day that he was sexually aggressive from the very first date. You had several hints that he was seeing another woman at the same time he was seeing you. But you wanted to deny these truths. And worse, I'm sure if I asked you if he was good husband material, you probably would have been uncertain or would have said that he was not.
I'm certain that he constantly worked at getting you sexually aroused every time you were together. It is that arousal that kept you attracted to him even when logic told you he was not a good man. The sad thing is that you tried to bargain with him when he was fully sexually aroused. In that state, he would have said anything to be able to finish having intercourse with you. He tried to force himself and when he could not, settled for humping you.
He hasn't called back because he prefers easier women. But what I want you to notice is that even after direct evidence that he is mostly interested in sex and not you -- you called him, repeatedly! In some ways, you still won't admit that he is not a good man.
"Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).
Like most young people, you knew fornication was wrong, but you had already told yourself you would commit it with the "right" man. I noticed that you said you were not ready and not that you wanted to wait until marriage. Thus, you left the door open to giving in.
Another problem is that you valued your virginity so much that you focused on not allowing a man to enter you, but you gave no thought about the thing that lead up to intercourse. You told yourself it wasn't so bad, so long as you kept your virginity. But you ignored all the sins that lead up the event that day: lust, sexual touching, dirty talk, and lewd behavior (see also I Corinthians 7:1 and Ephesians 5:3-7). Sin is just not something you can compromise with.
However, all of that is past. You made some really bad mistakes, but dwelling on those mistakes will not make you a better Christian. It is time to learn your lessons and change. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
Response:
Thanks for responding to my email. When I said I wasn't ready, I meant I wasn't prepared until marriage, but you are right, I shouldn't have started anything that led us on. Truly it's all my fault because I ignored lots of things I should have taken seriously about him.
Thanks for encouraging me. It's all in the past now, though the harm has been done. I am moving on now with my life in a more positive way. Please remember me in prayers as I want to get married to avoid any temptation.
Thank you so much.
