I don’t trust my boyfriend anymore
Question:
I started dating a guy, who I believed had a strong passion for Christ and teaching others about him. We've been dating for less than a year, but I have come to realize how lustful he is, and how much he thought about sex and mutual masturbation. A few days into dating he began touching me inappropriately. I kept saying no and pushing him off of me and telling him that it was wrong but because he was stronger than me, he was able to do it regardless of my restraint. Every time he would see me, he would keep insisting that I touch him inappropriately and he would keep touching me inappropriately and every single time I would question him whether it was wrong. He would reply with "You're not losing your virginity." Every time we called each other, he would casually talk about sex and seeing me naked. He would even get mad when I told him to stop and that I didn't like it.
Eventually, I gave in, though, trusting him because he has more biblical knowledge than me. However, this kept advancing to the point I had a pregnancy scare. We repented and prayed, but now I have reached the point where I am utterly confused and my depression has worsened. I can't look him in the eye, and I cannot trust him anymore, even though he said at that moment he was convicted and his sexual addiction has disappeared.
What distresses me is the fact that in my past relationship, I dated a serial adulterer, but he never once touched me inappropriately or constantly ask for sexual favors. He respected me when I said I do not believe in sex before marriage. I never had sexual desires until I dated my current partner, who preaches to the youth of his local church and is studying in a seminary. I keep asking myself, "How is it that a non-Christian man who has cheated on me endlessly and was sexually active respected my want to remain sexually pure, but it was with a Christian man whom I became sexually impure?"
I know that God has forgiven me, and I feel at peace knowing this. But in the presence of my partner, I feel ashamed and even more disgusted with myself. I do not blame my partner as I made the conscious decision to allow this to happen and eventually give in and enjoyed it. I'm having difficulties healing and my clinical depression makes it even more difficult to heal. Everything seems blurred to the point where I do not know what to do with my relationship. I am confused as to whether I want to marry my partner anymore as I am having difficulties even being in his presence. I still think I love him, but I don't know how long it will take to trust him again. He believes this process is very black and white and that I can heal overnight. He tells me "time doesn't heal," and that I am being unfaithful to God if I act like this because I don't truly believe God forgives me." He is impatient with me and my difficulties healing. He also doesn't understand my depression and keeps telling me that I want to be this way and that I want to be depressed.
What should I do with my relationship and how can I heal? Is this relationship a stumbling block in the way of my walk with God?
Answer:
You need to realize that just because someone claims to be a Christian, it doesn't mean they are one in truth. Jesus warned, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'" (Matthew 7:21-23). Peter also warned there would be false teachers "who indulge the flesh in its corrupt desires and despise authority" (II Peter 2:10). He further said these false teachers have "eyes full of adultery that never cease from sin, enticing unstable souls" (II Peter 2:14).
The fact that he supposedly has a greater knowledge of the Scriptures just makes his actions that much more wrong. Paul stated, "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). He violated that passage and encourage you to do so as well. He further pressed for lust and sensual behavior. "Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts" (Romans 13:13-14).
All of this points to a very dangerous man. He thinks he is religious while living an ungodly life. But you further indicate that he doesn't accept that he encouraged you to sin. Yes, you are responsible for your choices, but he is also guilty for what he did and for what he told you. My guess is that you don't see a true change in him since the time he committed fornication with you, but he wants to pretend that it no longer matters. If you don't trust him, then you don't love him. You also mention that he is impatient, but: "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).
You made a mistake picking this man as your boyfriend. He isn't getting better. I think you would be better off without him. Nothing you have told me about him describes a man suitable to be a husband.
