I can’t make up my mind between my husband and my lover
Question:
Hi
I hope you may be able to help. I'm a born-again Christian for the last 10 years. Here is my anguish:
I met my husband when we were both near 20 years of age. At the time of meeting him, I was going through an awful time dealing with a nasty father and a stalker who tried to kill me. My husband came along and was amazing, and we fell deeply in love. My problem was after a while we had intercourse and he gagged when he touched me. He never touched me again not in all the years of our marriage. I told myself it didn't matter, and we got engaged. He then stopped wanting intercourse. He told me it was the stress of the wedding and it would change after we married. It never did. In the years of our marriage, we've had intercourse once every 18-24 months, me initiating. He didn't come near me on our honeymoon.
I begged him, over years, to get help and threatened to leave him. By some miracle, we had two children. By the time the second was born, he wouldn't even kiss me. I've told him I would leave him, but as he earns well. He just told me that he'd cut me off financially, and he would get the children as I suffer from a bad back. His amazing personality disappeared, and he became quiet and ignored me most nights. Eventually, I nearly suffered a breakdown. I begged him to get help, asked if he was gay or had affairs, but he said, no. He was just lazy and couldn't be bothered.
At the point of breakdown, I begged God to help me. Two days later an old school friend got in touch. I told my husband I would have an affair unless he had counseling, and he said do what you want, I'll never go counseling. So I threw him out and this other man is now my boyfriend. He is amazing, treats me well, is just everything I could wish for. The first time he stroked my hand I burst out crying as I've been so starved of affection.
My problem is my husband is absolutely devastated. He now goes to counseling, albeit hardly opens up. He has done a lie detector test to prove he is not gay or had affairs. He said he'll do anything to win me back. He breaks down when he sees me, tells me he adores me, and can now see the light and how bad he has been. I still love my husband so much but I am in love with my boyfriend. I've told both that I will never live with another man again as my children are young and would not have another man in the house until they are 18. I truly believe God helped me end my marriage that day by showing me how I should be treated. Now I'm totally confused. The guilt of having a boyfriend eats at me nightly. I have had counseling myself on a regular basis. My husband has admitted using porn last couple of years but says prior to that he just couldn't be bothered. Please help me. I am so utterly devastated. I know my husband loves me but I don't know if I can risk going back. My boyfriend loves me too. Weirdly he separated from his wife for exactly the same reasons as I from my husband.
Thank you.
Answer:
You claim to be a Christian but it is clear that Satan is the master of your life. You are an adulteress. You are having sex with a man who is not your husband. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You flaunt this sin in front of your husband but claim to be the victim. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for evil.
The depth of your sin is shown in your claim that God encouraged you to commit adultery. "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone" (James 1:13). The very idea that you think God would send a man to you so you could commit adultery is disgusting.
There is no confusion. You want your husband's money and your boyfriend's sex. You live for pleasure, whichever way you can find it. Until you realize that life is not about you, you'll continue to spiral deeper into sin.
There is only one solution and that is to drop all your sins. The boyfriend must go. You need to work on restoring your marriage. And most of all, you need to become a true Christian instead of the hypocritical pretense you've been living.
Question:
Thank you for your response. However, I don't agree.
My husband lied to me and said it would be okay when we got married. He didn't. I've been prayed on today and been told that I cannot fix my husband nor myself. That my husband broke his vows. Keep in mind I Corinthians 7:3-5 that husband should not keep his body from his wife unless by mutual consent. As for wanting my husband's money, it's our money not his and we both worked hard for it. I was simply demonstrating that he used it as a trade-off for not coming near me. I do agree that I need to keep some distance from my boyfriend purely as I have been so starved of any form of affection for years that if you go and give someone a buffet it can make them ill. As my church said this is in God's hands, but I should not feel any guilt as my husband has not kept his side of his marriage vows. God only loves and cherishes, and He wants me to draw closer to Him. Satan surely has got hold of my non-Christian husband who preferred pornography to me. All I can do is pray for him.
Answer:
"This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, and says, "I have done no wickedness" (Proverbs 30:22).
One person's sin does not justify sin in retaliation. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? -- as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8).
Yes, this has always been in God's hands. "For we know Him who said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. And again, "The LORD will judge His people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebrews 10:30-31).
God does want you near, but it requires that you have to give up your sins. I'm sorry that you are getting bad advice from a corrupt group calling itself a church, but the only way to heaven is through righteousness.
"Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up" (James 4:4-10).
