I can’t grasp the concept of grace and that I don’t need to punish myself to be forgiven
Question:
Hello sir,
I have questions about sin, repentance, and the importance of confession and restitution. I love your website, and I admire your wisdom and helping others, which are completely backed up by Scripture. Your input would be greatly appreciated, sir. I also hope that by asking these questions, I will help others on your page. I feel so alone in my mistakes, but after reading your website, I know that is not true.
- Is all sin equal in God’s eyes?
- When we sin, is all sin forgiven when we confess to Him and repent (no longer partake in the sin)?
- Does God forget our sins when we confess and repent?
- After we repent of sin and confess to those whom we have hurt (adultery), is it ok to use generalities when confessing to a spouse (who knew something was going on)? Is it okay to use wisdom and minimize details to spare more hurt? How much confession is required in such a situation while using wisdom and not destroying my family more than I already have but also enough for works of repentance and to be reconciled with spouse? Is my confession to my spouse of this sin dependent on my salvation before God?
- Is God's forgiveness of sin dependent on our confession to others? If I lie, but the person doesn’t know or remember it but me, and I lied to protect myself from consequences at the time, no harm to others, it was a lie to protect only myself. Must I confess that I lied to show works of repentance?
I have difficulty with these questions because I can’t grasp the concept of grace and don’t need to punish myself to be forgiven. I also have difficulty sharing the extent of my sins with those I’ve hurt. I feel so guilty, and I’m trying my best to understand who God is and to know His character and His heart so that I can accept His forgiveness.
Thanks.
Answer:
You state that you appreciate that I cite Scriptures for my teaching. I wonder why you don't do the same for your life. What passage have you seen in the Bible that states people must punish themselves to be forgiven? Why are you holding on to this belief if you don't have a passage?
- Are all sins equal? See: Are all sins equal? Is no sin greater or worse than another sin?
- When is sin forgiven? Sin is initially forgiven when a person becomes a Christian and is baptized (Romans 6:3-7). That doesn't mean he will never sin again. The opposite is actually true. However, a Christian has the right to ask God for forgiveness. "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (I John 1:8-2:1). Along with admitting we were wrong, God also expects us to repent of our sins (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Repentance means changing your mind about the acceptability of sin and changing your behavior.
- Does God forget our sins? "For I will be merciful to their iniquities and I will remember their sins no more" (Hebrews 8:12; see also: Isaiah 38:17; 43:25).
- Is confession to the ones hurt by my sins required? See:
Question:
Thank you for taking the time to reply, Mr. Hamilton. I apologize for this long-winded response.
In my adult life, I’ve realized I am very scrupulous. I drive myself crazy. I believe the reason I have a hard time understanding grace is that I tell myself that to receive God’s forgiveness, I must do a “perfect” repentance. You see, I will add rules (like contacting everyone I’ve wronged, like the article you shared with me), and when I don’t meet my made-up standards, I become very depressed and obsess over it.
I also hyper-fixate in other areas of my life outside of this matter; it’s exhausting.
To further elaborate on my question about confessing sins, over a decade ago, I had an affair. My husband found out from another person. I was scared of losing everything; I lied, denying anything and everything -- and he believed me. You see, sir. I would lie constantly in my past. I would lie about anything and everything. My conscience was seared from lying so much that it didn’t bother me.
A few years later, by the grace of God, I read a Bible verse about adultery, and it cut me to the core. I finally realized the extent, severity, and wickedness of my sin. I immediately confessed my sins to God and asked for His forgiveness. After experiencing much guilt and thoughtful prayer on the issue, I eventually admitted to my husband that I had lied to him and told him the painful truth: that I had been unfaithful and how sorry I was, and also lying to him before. He said he forgave me, and I felt better … for a while.
You see when we had our conversation, I admitted that I had been an unfaithful spouse. He asked, “How many times?” I was quiet. He became agitated and asked again, “Was it so many that you couldn’t count?!"
Years ago, I probably could have given him the exact number he was asking for, but it has been so long that I don’t know anymore. Sure, I could have guessed, but at that moment, I could only say, “It isn’t like that … I don’t remember.” And we left it at that.
By God’s grace, we have a loving marriage and family, and we are going strong. I truly praise God for restoring my marriage and my husband for being so merciful and forgiving to me. We were able to be reconciled after such an awful sin I committed. Glory to God!
I relate to King David in the Psalms, “My sin is ever before me.” I genuinely believe there won’t ever be a day when I don’t remember the guilt and weight of my sin -- and I’m thankful because I will never betray my husband again. It scares me to think how calloused I had become to sin, and I never want to be that way ever again. Honestly, I want to live a life of works benefitting repentance. I know God ultimately sees beyond even my works and efforts. He also weighs the motives of my heart, and He knows how truly sorry I am. I don’t see what good it would do for me to bring up the issue again.
However, you see, sir, sometimes my heart condemns me in this particular matter, and my OCD kicks into overdrive, and I think to myself, “Was that enough, Lord? Did I say the right thing? Should I have said or done more? Did I lie by not giving a number? Am I being deceitful? Am I truly forgiven? Or do I need to ...? Etc.”
The problem is that I no longer want to be a liar or deceitful, but I can’t seem to shake these fears. I committed such a grievous sin. I’m overwhelmed.
I am extremely hyper-sensitive to lying. I strive to live my life so that I do not lie; however, sometimes, I mess up and lie. I ask God to forgive me and try to do better or correct the lie if needed. But for some reason, this particular sin I committed in my marriage years ago plagues me. I began feeling extremely overwhelmed to the point where I became numb, and I can’t seem to understand what or why I am even worried about it still. And I replay the conversation over and over again. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m ready to move forward. I desire to move forward. I don’t have anyone to talk to. This sin has been kept concealed to spare my shame but also to spare our children. I certainly don’t want to burden or hurt my husband by bringing up this matter again.
What must I do to move beyond my past and these overwhelming thoughts? How can our hearts can condemn us wrongfully? I so badly want to move past this. I am the only one in the marriage stuck in the past.
Answer:
Like most people who suffer from OCD, you want absolute certainty. Thus, you constantly review the past to see if there is something you need to improve. You constantly ask people to receive reassurance, but it never is enough.
At some point, you have to exercise faith. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). God is absolutely trustworthy (faithful), so do we place our faith in Him? God doesn't arbitrarily forgive. He is righteous (just) in forgiving our sins. Yet, in truth, you deny this. You feel that there should be more punishment. You aren't confident in God's forgiveness. These are the areas you need to work on.
