How do we resolve a conflict between two brethren?
Question:
Greetings sir. I trust you have been doing well.
I have a matter that needs your advice on dealing with conflict resolution.
I have these two brethren who had a misunderstanding over a report on the church building project. They belong to the team overseeing the project. One is the leader, and the other a member. When the secretary presented a report, the church treasurer noticed some differences in the amount given by the church. He mentioned that it should be corrected before reporting. That was done amicably between the reporter and the treasurer. Later, the treasurer went to the team leader overseeing the church project to inquire about the records. Personal donations would have to come through the church's account, and there was a deficit that the church would have to pay. The team leader grew annoyed and started exchanging words. He asked why he had to come to him after verifying and strengthening the records from the other team member who presented the report. He started calling him a fool for picking on little things to make cases out of them. They had a falling out, and both left in anger.
The treasurer was offended by the team leader's words and vowed not to have anything to do with him again. After I spoke with the team leader, he went to reconcile with the treasurer, but he refused. Another brother attempted to reach him several times, but he refused to pick up his calls. After several encouragements to seek reconciliation, he still refused.
During a church meeting, he brought up the issue before the church and wanted to resign from the team overseeing the building project. Despite pleadings with him by members to implement Matthew 18:15-17, he still was adamant. The church appealed to the preacher to come in and initiate a reconciliation. The team leader was ready, but the offended brother failed to comply with the call.
In this case, would it be out of place to have them both come before the church? And if he still refuses, won't the church have to do what is necessary (Matthew 18:17)?
Thank you, sir.
Answer:
"A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel" (Proverbs 18:19).
Brothers are people you can rely on most when things are difficult. There is an expectation of trust and mutual goals. However, if a brother is offended, he is also the hardest to win back. He resists any efforts to settle the dispute. Thus, care should be taken to avoid letting disagreements between brethren get out of hand, which is what happened in this case.
The treasurer was doing his duty. He noted flaws in the reporting of funds used for the building project. He straightened out the report, but the source of the information reported by the secretary came from the building team. Thus, he properly went to the man overseeing the building project to ensure the mistakes were not repeated. The team leader wrongly took offense at being questioned and told to be more careful. I guess that in the leader's eyes, the amount that was off was minor, and since it was resolved, he didn't see why he should be scolded for poor bookkeeping.
The team leader was wrong due to his pride, and eventually, he was made to see his error. When he went to apologize to the treasurer, he refused to talk because his ego was wounded, and he was being prideful.
The church was wrong in putting off a decision by saying that Matthew 18:15-17 needed to be followed. However, it already had been followed. The treasurer tried to resolve the problem directly. The team leader tried to apologize directly. Other people tried to talk to the treasurer but were rebuffed. You have sufficient witnesses in regard to the problem for the church to make a judgment and attempt to get the two men to be at peace. Asking the preacher to solve their problem also avoids doing their duty. It is nice if the preacher, as a church member, attempts to get the two sides to talk, but it doesn't change the fact that the church should be settling the problem.
The best thing at this point is for the entire congregation to gather and discuss the matter. The church should admit its faults. It should point out the team leader's faults and thank him for seeing reason and changing. Then, the treasurer should be told that he was right in being diligent in his duties, but it should be pointed out that he is disobeying the Lord's command: "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15). He should be told that forgiveness is not an option. The team leader should be asked if he repents of his behavior with the treasurer. If he says "yes," then the treasurer should be asked if he forgives the team leader for the insults given to him. If the treasurer continues to refuse (I don't think he will), then the church should express its sorrow and tell him that he cannot be a member until he forgives.
