How do I straighten myself out?
Question:
Hi,
I came across this website and saw how some issues about relationships have been addressed. I was actually having a headache presently about a matter, and that's why I looking online. I hoped there would be someone I can share it with, and get the right advice.
I came across my girlfriend (who is a soccer player) when I was engaging in soccer. Somehow we became closer. I discovered she needed help because she found it difficult to even eat each day. Since I could help with the little I had, I was extending my kindness to her. At one point, she was being sexually oppressed by the coach and some guys in a soccer camp. Since I stayed away from this camp, she asked my permission to stay with me. We were together for about four months. She used to play with me a lot. I tried to be cautious because I know what could result from it. Sometimes, when she starts at night, I would even move out of the room, but she would come, begging me to come back in.
I thought of sending her away but her family was far from the location, the soccer camp wasn't safe for her, and my kindness wouldn't just leave her with nowhere to go.
To cut the story short, I asked her out during the third month because I was loving her more every day. But by the next month, we ended up having sex. She lured me into doing it. I've been a virgin for the past 25 years of my life, but she (who wasn't a virgin) got me to have sex that night. In a short time, I pushed her away. I really felt guilty and cried. But thereafter, I eventually fell into having more rounds of sex with her. I had to find a way of sending her away to her sister, who lives far away, by the end of that month.
But even after leaving, we found ways of meeting up and having sex. When she's not around I became addicted to sex videos.
I wanted to stop it. I prayed. I asked God for forgiveness, but the case remains the same. I tried breaking up with this lady, but she starts crying, or sometimes she is angry. I'm a softy and would fall for it and go back to her. I was afraid if I didn't, I would start having sex with ladies around here.
During all these times, I find it extremely difficult to study the Word or to pray. I had to step back from the core church activities I was involved in and the pulpit. I was involved in ministering both in word and music regularly.
Now to the main issue.
We've come so far that my parents know about her, though her parents haven't accepted me yet due to cultural differences. I thought about this deeply recently. I know I'm no longer the man I used to be. It seems like I'm being pushed to this point, though I can't deny that I love her. Yesterday, I told her we need to end this relationship. She cried and was crying this morning.
But I sincerely love this lady. I've worked on her in all ramifications (including spiritually), and she's yielding. Also, I'm getting ready for marriage. But as much as I wish not to lose this lady, I have to do what pleases my Heavenly Father.
I'm not sure of myself right now. I need words of advice.
Thanks.
Answer:
"Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:21-23).
I mention this passage because you have been involved in at least the first three sins listed: immorality, impurity, and sensuality. Paul bluntly points out that you cannot expect to reach heaven while involved in such sins.
You made yourself out to be a victim, but I noticed several things in your note. You knew that fornication was wrong. That is why you remained a virgin until recently. You knew that having her live in your home was dangerous, but you didn't put any effort into finding a more appropriate situation. Worse, you had her staying in your own room at night. When she started sexually touching you in the disguise of playing, you recognize it for what it was and would leave the room, but you allowed yourself to be talked into returning. Despite all the warning signs, you continued while telling yourself you were doing this because you are a kind person. It isn't surprising that you ended up having sexual intercourse with her.
Solomon asked two questions: "Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?" (Proverbs 6:27-28). The illustration is that you see a lump of hot coal, so you pick it up and give it a great big hug because love how warm it is. The lump of hot coal is not going to burn you, right? After all, you were kind to it and showed it love! It seems like a silly illustration because everyone knows you will get burned. Your feelings about the matter don't change the nature of fire. The second illustration is similar. You walk into a room and don't notice that a lump of hot coal had rolled out from the fire. You accidentally step on it, but you apologize profusely to the coal. The lump of hot coal is going to accept your apologies and not burn you, right? After all, it was a complete accident! But once again, everyone knows you will get burned. Your intentions won't change the nature of fire.
You played with sexual fire. Everyone knew you were going to end up having sex from the time you invited her into your room. There is no excuse for what you did. Neither your feelings nor your intentions change the nature of sex. Therefore, stop painting yourself as a victim.
Once you had sex, it was easy to repeat the sin. Even after you had her move out, you found reasons to continue to have sex. And as sin progressed further, you got involved in pornography.
You claim you want this to stop, but you take no action to keep your clothes on. You say that you love her and want to marry her, but you take no action to get married. Oh, I know, you have endless excuses as to why you can't get married -- but like everything else, they are just lame excuses.
You want me to believe you are a good man while you live a life in rebellion to God. "This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth" (I John 1:5-6).
You have a choice: you either marry this woman or you break off all contact with her. What you don't have a choice about is continuing your sins -- at least not if you truly wish to see God.
Response:
Thank you so much, sir. You've really helped me out. I appreciate God in your life.
