How do I overcome my wife’s sexual past?
Question:
Hello, minister of Christ,
I need your spiritual advice. I had prayed for a wife, and God blessed me with one. God has also blessed us with a lovely daughter. However, I have been battling this weakness. I had preserved myself for a marriage. I was a virgin before I met my wife. My wife had engaged in a sexual activity, and she's a believer. I loved her, and I still do. However, I am struggling to forget her past.
I have read biblical articles claiming that if you have sex with someone, you become one. Now, I feel like I have committed adultery, and my wife is someone's wife. Every time I think of that, I imagine her with that person. This has built anger inside me and hating myself and her. I want to get over it so I can salvage our marriage. How do I overcome this? Help me remove those images, love her for herself, and not judge her past.
Thanks.
Answer:
"Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?'
Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.' And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.'
'But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.' So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.' But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.
'Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
'My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart'" (Matthew 18:21-35).
I would assume you knew about your wife's past before you entered into a marriage covenant with her. You were willing to marry her then. The only thing that has changed is your attitude, and it hasn't been a good change.
God has granted her mercy and forgiven her sins. He doesn't hold her past against her. However, you act as if you are greater than God. You won't grant her mercy for something that she did not do against you. "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18). She sinned against herself, not you.
Her sin did not make her married. If it did, then she did not sin when she had sex without being married. See:
- Since I had sex with my girlfriend, does this mean I am married to her?
- Doesn't sex create a marriage?
- Is a marriage only bound after sex?
You are declaring that your wife is causing you to sin when she is not. You are worried about reaching heaven, but as the passage I quoted at the start of this reply says, you are jeopardizing your salvation by not showing your wife mercy. You've committed numerous sins that the Lord has forgiven you for committing, but you can't extend the same mercy to your wife.
Question:
Thank you, Brother.
I have gone on a long journey of soul-searching and found myself. I am ready to begin the road to forgiveness. As it's easy to forgive and forget, I need to get those memories out of my mind. I fear I might keep remembering them, and I need to put the past to the past and the future to the future.
If you can do so, I would appreciate it!
God bless you and the work you've been doing! You've saved marriages.
Answer:
Our minds do not have erase buttons. Paul illustrates this when he mentions his past: "I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor" (I Timothy 1:13). He could not remove the memories, but he could deal with them.
- He realized he was immature and wasn't a Christian when he sinned: "I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief" (I Timothy 1:13).
- He realized he was not the man he used to be: "I was formerly a blasphemer ..." (I Timothy 1:13).
- He appreciated Christ's forgiveness and support: "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me" (I Timothy 1:12).
- He knew Jesus could forgive his sins, as terrible as they were. That forgiveness was because Paul deserved it or earned it. The forgiveness was God's gift to him: "The grace of our Lord was more than abundant" (I Timothy 1:14).
- He was forgiven because Jesus came into the world to give forgiveness: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all" (I Timothy 1:15).
- While Paul knew his past was bad, he also knew that his forgiveness had a purpose. He was a living demonstration of what God can do to change a person: "For this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life" (I Timothy 1:16).
What do you do with the memories of your wife's past? You recognize that she was immature, but she has since grown up and become a more mature Christian. She is not the same woman anymore. You thank God for her salvation and for bringing her into your life. And you rejoice that this has given you an opportunity to change and grow as well, making you a better servant of God. In the future, your marriage will show others what God's love can do in people's lives.
