I was a spiritual person until certain events took place in my life. Having God in my heart is what got me through my very unstable childhood, and most of my military career. While deployed I did and saw things no one should ever have to do or see. I saw true evil in the eyes and hearts of other humans. And on some level, I wasn't far from being that way. I was an infantry medic and witnessed too much bloodshed. I fear the things that I did while deployed are like a scarlet letter on my soul. I was raised Catholic and have no desire to return to it. I have since lost religion. I want to find a church my husband and I feel comfortable in and we can raise our children in. I still have God in my heart, but he's in a box trying to get out. I am completely lost, confused, and scared. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice would help.
I thought about your note for a while.
As sad as the fact is, we must acknowledge that evil exists in the world. The world, as a whole, has given itself over to Satan. Happily, we don't have to follow the same course. "And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:1-7). Thus there is a solution for sins of the past that has been provided to us by God.
Since you have only spoken in generalities, I can only reply in like terms. You are carrying burdens, but you can shed them by giving them to the Lord. In their place, He will give you burdens that are relatively light. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). Be careful though that you go to the Lord and not demand that He comes to you. Far too many want help but only on their terms and in ways that they find acceptable.
The only way to learn of God's will for you and the rest of mankind is to learn from God's Bible. It is not hard when there is a preacher available to guide you and help you find what is most pressing for you at the moment. "For "whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved." How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!'" (Romans 10:13-15). Though I'm remote from where you are located, I'll help as best I can. If you would like me to find a preacher in your area, let me know and I'll look for someone to help you learn how to be free of your past.
"Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness" (Romans 6:16-18).