How can I move on without any regrets?
Question:
Hi,
I am a 22-year-old girl. I did a horrible thing in my life. I got back with my boyfriend I have once dated a long time back. Everything was going well until he started asking for sex. l tried to talk to him about not having sex before marriage, but he didn't listen to me. He told me he doesn't want to hear about it. He kept pushing for it.
I am a Christian. I loved God with all my heart, but I let my feelings take control of me. l was influenced by the things he would do for me.
The other day he called me and started to talk about things to put me in the mood for having sex. During that day I was thinking of sex only -- imagining how it would look like when having sex with him. I then prepare myself to go to his place later that evening. I don't remember what came over me, but I had sex with him.
Now my problem is: I used to be a God-fearing young woman, loved by the whole community, and had dignity. All my family members looked up to me. I now feel guilty about what happened. I feel I betrayed my mom, and above all, I sinned before God -- the one I respect the most. Whenever I think of that night, I cry and had lots of regrets about why I went there, especially now that I might be pregnant with his child. I never wanted to have a child out of wedlock, but it seems like its going to happen.
I love my boyfriend. He loves me too. But this is keeping us distant. I can't be around him because of that. He wants to marry me soon, and I feel like its early for me to start a family. I wanted to become someone before I got married, but because I might be pregnant, I have nothing but to marry him, even though I am not ready.
I still wonder what came over me because I had standards and morals. But that one night it all went wrong. I turned my back on God. I can feel the gap in my relationship with God. The guilt I am feeling made me to almost want to kill myself for that.
My questions are:
- Can I be forgiven for what happened after I get married?
- How can I move on from the fact that I am a virgin and not yet married?
- I am scared. What if my marriage does not work since we different views on many things, especially religion?
- Is it also too early for me to get married?
- How can I move on with my life without any regrets at all?
Thank you!
Answer:
"Do not be deceived: 'Bad company corrupts good morals'" (I Corinthians 15:33).
It appears your boyfriend acted in a manner consistent with his lack of moral standards. I am not excusing what he had done, but it is time that you face the facts regarding what you did. "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18). He sinned, but you also chose to sin.
It didn't start when you lost your virginity. It started when your boyfriend asked for sex and you didn't break up with him. I know you thought you could talk him out of it, but he continued to press for sex and you didn't make your actions consistent with your words. Because you stayed with him, he decided your "no" really only meant "later." The more he pressured you and you stayed, the more he took the action to be OK.
Eventually, you broke down, which sadly was predictable. I'm sorry that you sinned and that as a result of your sin you have conceived a child. We can't undo the past. What you have to do now is decide about the future.
First, I want you to try and reason about whether this man will make a good husband without letting your feelings override. That is going to be difficult, especially if you are pregnant. So far, you have not left me with any good reasons to think that he would be a suitable husband. You mentioned that you have different religious views and we already know that he will pressure you whenever he wants something and it doesn't matter what you might say about the matter. People rarely change after marriage, so you can expect him to continue to be this way or to get worse.
Second, you have to decide what to do with your child. It wasn't the child's fault that you sinned. If you decide not to marry this man, are you able to raise a child on your own? If not, you will need to explore finding adoptive parents for the child.
Can you get married at 22? Of course. It is legal. Whether this man is the proper person to marry is a different concern.
Can you be forgiven for your fornication? Of course! God forgives sin when they become His children (See How to Become a Christian). When a Christian sin, it is forgiven with the Christian gives up the sin and asks God for forgiveness (II Corinthians 7:10-11; I John 1:9).
Will you have regrets? This too is obviously true. You'll look back and wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't made such foolish decisions. But the past can't be undone. The present is what we have to work with and the future can be changed when we start living righteously before God.
