I had romantic feelings for a woman who goes to the same church as I do. She used to work where I do and I talked to her every day. But then she got fired and she moved away for several months. Recently, she moved back. I wrote her a letter expressing how I felt. When I gave it to her, she told me she met someone. For a few weeks, she has been bringing one of her coworkers to church.
I have had depression since I was 13. I have prayed to God an estimated 5,000 (no exaggeration) asking why is it that I have had to feel like a piece of garbage most of my life. I have never gotten an answer back from God. I very much believe in God, but I have never heard him in a way that I can understand.
Last week I asked God, “Do you want to have anything to do with me? If the answer was no, then have her announce that she is getting married to someone."
This week she announced that she and the coworker she was bringing to the church are getting married at the end of the week. That tells me that God wants to have nothing to do with me given the question I posed and that I did not know they were together. This is why I have had to feel like trash since I was 13. Given that God does not want anything to do with me, I can assume I am going to hell no matter what I do.
Knowing that since God doesn’t want me, all I can do is live my life knowing at the end of it I am going to go to hell. As soon as I got home I started crying and did not stop until this morning when I fell asleep for a while. I need you to ask God what specifically I have done to incur His wrath. Is it that I have been a curse since my birth? Could you please do this for me and relay the answer in plain English instead of Scripture? Please, please? I beg you.
Thank you so very much for your time. and I am sorry for wasting your time.
"Jesus said to him, 'On the other hand, it is written, "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test"'" (Matthew 4:7).
Asking a preacher not to answer with Scripture to back up his statements is like asking a runner to walk during a race.
You already know that you suffer from a mental illness that causes you to feel depressed for extended periods of time. Thus, it is not surprising that you tend to see events in an extremely negative fashion. Marriages happen when two people decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together. You had affection for this woman, but she told you that she was interested in another man. That doesn't make it your fault. It just wasn't the meeting of the minds between two people. I know it hurts, but many guys have been turned down by a woman they thought would make a great wife for them.
Even though God has clearly stated in His Word that He wants everyone saved (II Peter 3:9), you decided to challenge this truth. You challenged God to prove what He already stated instead of accepting His message. Since your prayer was not according to God's will, God says such prayers would not be answered. "These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us" (I John 5:13-14). Instead, it seems Satan used the opportunity to put doubt into your mind.
The problem is not so much your depression as it is a lack of faith in God's teachings. Even when you wrote to me, you told me you wanted an answer from God, but you didn't want His Scriptures. That tells me that you don't really trust the Bible to be the truth (John 17:17). Instead, you are more willing to trust what a person claims God says over the actual written word.
In the past, God communicated His will in a variety of ways, but the book of Hebrews warns us, "God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world" (Hebrews 1:1-2). Jesus' message was delivered to the apostles and prophets of the first-century through the Holy Spirit. "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He will glorify Me, for He will take of Mine and will disclose it to you" (John 16:13-14). Now that the message has been delivered, it is up to us to accept it. "Beloved, while I was making every effort to write you about our common salvation, I felt the necessity to write to you appealing that you contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all handed down to the saints" (Jude 3).
God wants you saved. He wants you in Heaven with Him. But He is not going to force anyone to accept His gift. You have to choose to believe Him and submit to His will.
I'm sorry your hope of marrying this particular woman didn't work out, but there are other women in the world, and I hope you meet a good woman in the future.