Does it mean I’ll never marry because I have strong feelings for a married man?
Question:
I have been struggling greatly recently with my feelings for a very close friend of mine. The problem is that he is married. He and I were very close to each other about five years ago. We both liked each other, but never actually dated due to long distance. We lost touch for a year or so, but in recent times have started talking to each other. I am currently in a relationship with somebody else, but both he and I still have feelings for each other despite our relationship statuses. Our connection was so deep and so strong, as he helped me through a very tough time in my life, and I feel very close and connected to him.
Obviously, nothing can be done about our feelings since he is married to somebody else, but that makes me concerned; I don't know if I can ever be in a relationship with somebody who gave me as much as he gave me or feel as good as he made me feel. It feels a bit hopeless, because, even when we stopped talking to each other and I lost feelings for him for the time being, I still knew deep down that I felt much, much stronger toward him than I ever have for my current boyfriend.
Does that mean I can never fairly date anyone again, knowing that I will probably never have that strong of love for anybody else? Is it sinful to date and not have the strongest love for your current partner? It is driving me crazy that he is married and we are unable to be together. I don't know if it is necessary to cut communications with him completely, or what. I just know the connection with anybody else will never be the same.
Answer:
You are trying to make your feelings more real than reality. The man is married. He chose someone else to be his wife. He is not and can never be your husband. Until you live in accordance with that truth, you will always be unhappy. Your feelings cannot change what exists. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26).
Since you clearly find yourself tempted to pursue this man, even though logically you know he is married, the only solution is to end contact with him. "But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil" (I Thessalonians 5:21-22). Don't leave him wondering why you stopped talking to him. Tell him that you like him a lot -- perhaps too much -- and that is not a healthy relationship between a woman and a married man. He might not accept it, but at least he knows what the problem is.
Another problem is that, on some level, you have bought into the myth that there is one perfect match for you in this world. Everyone has flaws. Some people are better matches than others, but no one is a perfect match. You are comparing someone you never dated with men you have dated. You are well acquainted with the flaws of the men you've dated, but you assume that there wouldn't be flaws with the man you never dated. Thus, everyone you date comes up short. It is an unfair comparison.
You mentioned that you are currently in a relationship and too often in this world that is code for having sex and possibly living together. I don't know if that is what you intended to relay or not. But if that is what is happening, understand that it is a poor way to find a husband. Even secular studies point out that fornication tends to lead to unstable relationships that spill over into marriage. Instead of sinning (I Corinthians 6:9-10), do things God's way, and life will become much better.
Question:
Thanks for the response. He has shared with me that their marriage is pretty much miserable, and part of me is holding on to the fact that something might happen to release him from the marriage, thus allowing us to be able to be together biblically. I know this is wrong of me to think.
He and I had a very close relationship in the past, and I do feel quite certain that we would have worked out very well, knowing his flaws and everything. Should I be praying to God that He removes my strong feelings for him? Or that He may lead me to somebody else?
The man I am with now and I are against living together and having sex before marriage; we're just dating. My feelings for him have not reached the same level as the feelings for the other man, and I am considering leaving the relationship.
Answer:
Even if this man left his wife, he would not be eligible for a second marriage. Marriage is for life (Matthew 19:4-6; Romans 7:2-3). It is only in the case where a person divorces his spouse because of fornication on the spouse's part is there even an allowance for a second marriage.
The fact that this man is telling you that his marriage is miserable tells me that he is being tempted to commit adultery. This is an additional reason to cut off contact with the man.
If you are not interested in the man you are currently dating then dragging it out is not doing the man or you any good.
