Does getting a girl pregnant and promising to marry her later make us married?
Question:
Hello,
I was baptized in the Catholic Church. I had a girlfriend, with whom I had dry-humped. Two weeks before having sexual intercourse, I told her that I was thinking about break up with her because I didn't feel we should be together. After a week of sexual intercourse, she told me that she might be pregnant. She admitted that she intentionally tried to get pregnant by sitting on the semen I ejaculated. I was shocked because I didn't want to marry her. I had sex with her only for my pleasure. I know, I committed a terrible sin - fornication.
On the day she told me that she might be pregnant, I told her that I will marry her if she is actually pregnant. In my evening prayer, I begged God that she would find that she is not pregnant, but I told God that if she is, then I will marry her because the child should have a father.
When the pregnancy test was positive, I failed and told her that I would not marry her. I said that I will take care of the child, I want to be a father, but I can't marry her because I didn't love her. I broke my promise to God and her.
The pregnancy was developing well. I was even happy that I would be a father, though I wasn't at first. But suddenly at 22 weeks, on a gynecology visit, the doctor said that the child's heart had stopped. It was a boy and he was dead. I was shocked. I felt guilty because it was my fault. She was stressed because I didn't want to marry her.
After some time, I started wondering: Am I married to her? I had sex with her. She was pregnant. I promised her that I would marry her, and in my evening prayer, I also promised God that I would marry her. But when it was proven that she was pregnant, I refuse to marry her and tell her, "You are my wife." I refused to have the ceremony.
I know who I am. I'm devastated. I am Christian in name only, that's all. I have done so many sins that I even don't know how to live with the memory of them. I lied, committed fornication, and maybe I caused my own son's death because I stressed the mother of my child.
This happened some time ago. Currently, I don't have any girlfriend, and I don't have sex. I really try to be a different person. But I am worried. I am on the edge of insanity wondering if she is my wife. I don't want to marry her. I think it would be a tragedy because we hurt each other very deeply. But I don't want to be an adulterer if in God's eye we are married I have no choice. Can you help me determine if she is my wife?
Answer:
By chasing personal pleasures, you ended up making a mess of your life.
Dry humping is not sexual intercourse in that the penis doesn't go into the vagina, but it is still an act of sex and a sin of fornication since you were not married. You are correct that the pregnancy was your responsibility. It was your choice to engage in a sexual act. It becomes worse because you did it with a girl you did not love solely because you wanted the pleasure. She, too, has a responsibility because she tried to use the sexual act as a way to get you to stay with her. However, neither of you have a responsibility regarding the child's death. That was God's decision. Stress alone would not cause a child's death in the womb.
"If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins" (Exodus 22:16-17).
"If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).
The Old Law had a requirement that when an unmarried man had sex with an unmarried woman, he had to pay a fine of 50 shekels of silver. To put that in modern terms, 50 shekels would be about what you could save in seven years of work while still paying for your room and board. Her father would decide if you were really good enough for his daughter and even if he said "no," you would still owe the money. If you didn't have the money, and her father really didn't like you, he could insist on immediate payment, which would force you into indentured servanthood for seven years. If he liked you and you didn't have the money, you might end up working for your father-in-law until you paid off your debt.
The law we are under, the Law of Christ in the New Testament, does not have this requirement. A man and woman do not have to marry because they sinned together. I always find it interesting that people who are involved in so many sins think that one sin is worse than all the others. Yes, you broke your word to your girlfriend and what you told God. The result was that you lied, which God hates, just as He hates all sin. The response to all sin is the same: you need to become a true Christian and change your life. See: How to Become a Christian.
You did not marry this girl when you had sex with her. You were not married to her when she realized she was pregnant. Your promise to marry her did not make you married either. It takes a covenant to become married (Malachi 2:14) and you did not enter into a formal covenant with her.
Response:
Thank you very much for your reply. I know I made a big mess in my life. Moreover, I know the consequences will appear in my life in the future somehow. I am really trying to establish a new life in Jesus. Pray for me, Mr. Jeffrey. God bless you.
