Do I tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him?
Question:
Hi,
I love your articles and I am facing a problem now. Just some background about me. I am a Christian who has backslid for almost 10 years. I have a 4 years long boyfriend with me. But just last year, me being dumb and naive, a guy friend told me that I would be helping him if I give him a handjob. At that point in time, I didn't know its called masturbation or a handjob, I didn't think so much about it, so I helped him behind my boyfriend's back.
Recently, this incident came to haunt me back and I felt really guilty toward my current boyfriend. Upon further research, I found out that I did something undesirable and falls into many sins:
- Cheating behind my boyfriend,
- Fornication though it was me sexually touching him. He did not touch me sexually anywhere.
Now, I have grown to be more mature, I learned to say no to people. I have blocked that guy from my life and cut off the friendship with him. So now, I have two questions:
- Should I let my boyfriend know though he is unaware of it?
- How can I get rid of the guilt though I have already confessed my sins to God and want to restart my journey in Christ?
- How should I go about moving forward and seek forgiveness?
Thank you!
Best regards.
Answer:
I'm a bit puzzled. You call yourself a Christian, though you readily admit that you haven't been following Christ for a long time. You talk about having a boyfriend for four years, which given your state of mind would typically hint that you've been having sex with him. But perhaps not because you then state you didn't know what masturbation was only a year ago. These conflicting statements make it difficult to figure out how to approach your problems.
Dating someone is not a commitment. It is a time when two people are considering if they want to marry each other. This is one of the reasons why sex with the person you are dating is wrong. However, you committed fornication with a different man. It shows a weakness in character on your part and I have a difficult time seeing you as being that naive as to not understand that handling a boy's genitals was not appropriate. You shouldn't even be seeing another person's private areas normally.
Repentance of sin means recognizing what you did that was wrong and making efforts not to repeat the sin. You put an end to your contact with the man you sinned with, so that is a start. But if you are involved in similar sexual acts with your boyfriend, then you can' claim to be repentant when you continue to commit the same sins. True repentance is stopping all the sin (II Corinthians 7:10-11).
Going back to God involves both repentance and confessing to God that you have sinned (I John 1:9). But this is for true Christians. Many people call themselves Christians without actually obeying what God said is required to become a Christian. See How to Become a Christian.
Question:
Hi,
Thank you for answering my questions.
Nope, I have not committed sexual sins with my boyfriend.
Indeed, it was wrong on my part, trapped in what the other guy said that I was just being "nice" to be able to help him.
- While my boyfriend doesn't know this, should I confess my mistake to him and suggest a breakup? Is it considered cheating in my relationship?
- Or is this a sin between me and God? How do I get rid of this regret and guilt?
I admit I have not been a true Christian as I have not been in touch with his Word. I have confessed my sins to him and will be returning back to church soon.
Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you!
Answer:
Guilt is the feeling we have when we remember that we did something wrong. You don't get rid of guilt. It is there to remind you not to repeat your mistakes of the past. What counters guilt is knowing that you are no longer the person you used to be.
I suspect that most of what is driving you at the moment is a desire to punish yourself for your past sins. Punishment is in the hand of God, not you; thus, this is a poor reason to tell your boyfriend what you did.
However, there are aspects of how you worded your reply that tells me that you did not understand my first answer to you. "Cheating" indicates a committed relationship (a marriage). Dating is not the same as a marriage. You didn't cheat on your boyfriend. You sinned against God and against yourself (I Corinthians 6:18-20). You and your boyfriend need to discuss the fact that you have sexually sinned in your past. He doesn't need to know with whom or any other details. Giving him those details will only make him hate the guy you sinned with. He then has to make up his mind whether he still wants to marry you or not. I would not be surprised if he admits that he also has skeletons in his closet. Again, be clear that you don't want to know with whom, how often, or any other details. And you also will have to decide whether you want to marry a guy who has been with someone else.
