Do I need to tell?
Question:
Hello,
I came across your page while searching for some answers. I am trying to rededicate my life to the Lord daily. I've had a very unpleasant past. I've confessed what I can remember to the Lord and several people. But a few particulars keep coming up.
I was such a good girl before all this started. I was attacked as a young kid. I am always having nightmares about getting suffocated.
My dad came back into my life when I was 11 or 12. We had a blended family of my dad's children and my stepmom's children.
As a teen, I was addicted to sexual fantasies, the occult, vampires, and werewolves. I read books on these topics and watched videos as I got older. I watched sexually explicit videos.
Sadly, I had sexual relations with my stepbrothers, which continued even after I was married. At one point, I was having sex with four boys at one time. I ended up getting pregnant. I didn't know who the father was. When my mom found out I was pregnant, she wanted me to get an abortion. I told her it was my boyfriend's baby, even though I had no idea. I followed through because I was a coward and didn't want to confess what I had done.
I was married for almost 20 years. During that time, I cheated on my husband nonstop. He had a porn issue. I had my own issues. I was a liar, adulteress, and covetor. I did all these sins: Ego, pride, manipulation, sexual immorality, gluttony. I used alcohol and marijuana.
I have been celibate for almost three years. I cried out to God several years ago, and He answered, but I went back to the vomit and slept with the man I was supposed to be done with and many more men. I was still drinking and dabbling in weed. I stopped all that. I am still struggling with food, pride, ego, and intrusive thoughts.
Due to my circumstances, I now live with my parents and attend Bible college.
I feel I need to tell my parents what happened when I was growing up. It has been over 20 years, and my stepbrothers have since died. But my parents are kind and giving and have helped me a lot. I feel so much guilt. I feel that if I tell them, it will crush them. I know I will need to find somewhere else to live. I don't care about that. I want to do what is right and not be turned away from Jesus. What should I do?
Do I need to tell my ex-husband about who I had affairs with to be fully forgiven? He does know that I cheated. Do I need to ask the women who were married to some of them? Some of the men are still his friends.
My pastors know about the thoughts and attacks in dreams. They say I'm free in Christ. I have confessed most of my sins with a Christian prayer team.
I want a new life. I was just a young girl with fantasy lust and thoughts. Looking back, I think, "Wow." I am truly sorry for what I have done. Why do these things still happen, especially the attacks? I need guidance because this is a lot. I was wondering if you'd be able to help.
Answer:
You definitely lived a depraved life, but it sounds like you are trying to turn yourself around. But you are too focused on where you were instead of where you need to go. "Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).
When a person truly becomes a Christian, he repents of his past sins. Those sins can't be undone, but sometimes, a person can lessen the damage they cause. However, you aren't looking to undo the consequences of your sins. You are looking to punish yourself, and in so doing, you will ruin the lives of others in a vain attempt to soothe your grief.
Nowhere in the Bible does God say that every sin must be confessed in detail to Him or to the ones touched by your sins. God requires that you turn from your sins and head to Him. "Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord" (Acts 3:19). There has to be a change in your attitude toward the acceptability of sinning as well as a change in your behavior.
There is more to becoming a Christian than believing and being sorry about your past. See "How to Become a Christian" and "What Saves a Person?"
You don't deserve mercy, but then none of us do. God gave you mercy to get this far. Stop wallowing in your grief and start using the gift God gave you to His glory. Appreciate the people who have helped you get this far, and use the time you have left to help others.
Response:
Thank you.
I have been baptized a few times. I've rededicated myself to prayer and am trying to live an obedient life. I read the Scripture and pray. However, I fell again after my first baptism. I surrender to him daily and try to hear him again clearly. It's just that I struggle with those things that keep happening. I pray that today is a new day.
Thank you for everything you have done for me. I thought confessing those things to them would probably make things worse instead of better because it seemed like they were doing very well, and we were getting better. So, thank you.
God bless you. My hope is I will meet you face to face in Heaven.
