I have a question that has my hope chained to a sadness that I desperately want to be free from. I am a repented homosexual. I prayed, from the age of 13, for 30 years, desperately begging God to forgive me, promising that I would "Never let it happen again" Every time I failed and sinned. Eventually, at the end of human strength, realizing that I could never condemn another person to death, I allowed myself to become infected with the HIV virus. My reasoning was that I would then have to stop.
While the urge became stronger, to commit the abominable acts of my homosexuality, I finally gave up and realized that my only hope was to lay my sin at the foot of the cross. There and broken, not even realizing it, Christ cleansed me of the temptations of homosexuality. I still weep in eternal thankfulness.
However, as part of my treatment for what has turned into AIDS, my psychologist pointed out, on my last visit, that what I had done was commit "suicide," with death being only the delayed result.
I am completely shattered. I do not want to go to hell. I realize, now, that what seemed like my only remaining option was a failure to keep knocking in faith that Christ would deliver me. I have no wish to die. And I cannot understand my reasoning back when this happened. I just wanted to stop being a person guilty of an abomination in the sight of God.
Do I have any hope of being forgiven? Please be honest with me. I desperately want to go to heaven. I hear people say how they have a mansion waiting for them in Heaven. I would settle for spending eternity homeless, living in an alley, and having to eat trash, so long as it were in Heaven. I am having nightmares continually. I've become afraid of sleeping, for fear of waking up in hell. Can you please tell me if our Lord will forgive me? I have prayed without ceasing. But my emotions and fears have clouded the answers He might be sending me. I'm hoping that finding your web page was the answer I've prayed for.
""But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live. Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?" says the Lord GOD, "and not that he should turn from his ways and live?"" (Ezekiel 18:21-23).
I'm always amazed at how little faith people have in God. Somehow they imagine Him as someone trying to keep people out, rather than a Father welcoming His straying children back home. Peter points out that the world continues because "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (II Peter 3:9).
There is no sin that is left behind that will keep you out of heaven. The question is not what you had done, but a matter of who you are this day. I'm sorry that in your foolish past that you did things that will now shorten your life. But such things can't be reversed. But life is short anyways and the life to come is what matters.
I can't answer whether you will go to heaven or not. I'm not privy to what you do. I don't know your heart and your motives. All I can do is tell you what the Lord requires from you, and none of them are difficult. "For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome" (I John 5:3).
There are a lot of people who think of themselves as Christian but have no idea what God requires to enter into a covenant with Him. So what I would like you to do is read with an open and honest heart the following. If there are things you have not been doing, then it is important that you make changes.
These things start you down the road that leads to heaven. From this starting point, you learn all you can of God's Way and mold your life to conform it to His Will.
You are not the first and will not be the last homosexual to turn from sin.
"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God" (I Corinthians 6:9-11).
You too can be washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus.
I cannot thank you enough for answering me, honestly and from Scripture. Having to read through the articles, my eyes welled up with tears and emotion. I found hope in the Scriptures you pointed out to me. I know, now, that there is a road for me to once again follow. And while my foolish choice has altered my life, I now have renewed hope in Salvation. Without hesitation, nor reservation, I do believe and will look to be baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit as quickly as possible.
Being disabled from what I did, I will look to testify, possibly through something like Facebook, to other homosexuals, or to whomever and wherever the Lord allows me on this journey that I sense lies before me. I know and realize that I should seek the counsel of a local preacher before journeying out aimlessly. Thus, I must find a new church.
I thank Our Lord Jesus for your counsel. It was not a coincidence that, while googling in desperation of truth, that I came upon your church's website. If it is OK with you, I'd like to update you when I get baptized and of the things our Lord may bring me through in the future.
May our Lord bless you for having the mercy to answer me so quickly and with Scripture. Scripture has been my only comfort. Thus, perhaps I might be better off seeking Christian counseling, rather than that of the world. You and your congregation shall be in my prayers from this day forward. I make that statement knowing the importance of remaining true to it.
I am including the name of a congregation in your area. Please do keep me informed of your progress. You will be in my prayers.