Did I judge correctly that my wife committed adultery?
Question:
Many years ago, my first wife and I got a divorce. I came home one night after church, and she told me she wanted a divorce. I didn't want it, and she said it was for irreconcilable differences. So we separated for a bit, then tried reconciliation, which ended up failing.
While separated, I asked for the cell phone back that I was making payments on, and reluctantly she gave it back. I did an online search of that particular phone's call history and started noticing a certain number which came up many times. There were also pictures sent, but I couldn't see what they were. I then looked up the number to discover who it was my wife was talking to. It was another man. I worked in another county at the time, and one morning while driving into work, I passed my wife coming out. I wondered what she was doing down there. Well, it happened to be where this man lived. Since I knew his name, I looked up his address and decided to drive by his house one night. Sure enough, my wife's car was there. She had spent the night at this guy's house when I passed her on the road that morning driving into work.
I decided I wanted more proof, so I continued to get video footage of her car at the man's house even into the wee hours of the morning. I also found a letter that she had written to him. I believed I had enough evidence that she was cheating on me, the one reason divorce is allowed according to God's word, and I filed for divorce. The judge ruled in my favor and granted me the divorce.
About a year after, I was talking to my ex-wife on the phone, and I just point-blank asked her if she had had relations with this man. She said, "Once." I wanted some closure to make sure I was in the right because I had remarried.
My current wife had the same situation as me. She was also cheated on, and she had proof of her then-husband going over and staying at another woman's house.
I guess my question to you is: Did I have enough proof of adultery? Did I need to catch them in the very act? Sometimes this worries me, and anxiety overwhelms me. I even met with the elders at my church and told them the story before I remarried. They agreed that I had scriptural right. So why does this still pop up and bother me? I have also had OCD for about 35 years now. Any help you can give me would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Answer:
People suffering from OCD do not tolerate uncertainty well. They want to be absolutely sure, so they constantly live in the past, questioning every action to see if there was any flaw in what they had done. Notice that you had a judge who agreed with you and granted your divorce. Your wife told you she committed adultery. You had elders review your situation before you remarried, and they agreed that your first marriage ended because of your wife's adultery. However, notice that you can't allow yourself to accept the obvious conclusion. You fear that you might have missed something. Thus, you will also have trouble accepting my answer as well.
God never said that a husband had to catch his wife in the act of adultery. Instead, we are told, "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment" (John 7:24). You have multiple witnesses that she was seeing another man: the phone records and evidence that she was spending nights at this man's house. You also have her own admission. This is a fair judgment.
The past is over and done with. It is long past time to move on. "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).
