I am currently engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever met. We do have a rough history, but I'm worried I may have ruined our future. We originally dated for a couple of months a few years ago but ended because I had confessed to him about seeing my ex whom I had broken up with not even a month prior to starting to date my current boyfriend. We got back together as long as I promised that would never happen again.
Four months after we got back together, I managed to get very drunk and my friend was high. I called a guy to pick me up and take me home. I remember telling him "no," but I guess I didn't try hard enough because we ended up having sex anyway.
Something similar happened again where I kept telling a guy "no," but he did it anyway. He never finished because I was finally able to push him off, but now I'm worried that this is considered the same. I didn't want it to happen, but it did anyway.
All of this happened before I became engaged. I'm scared that it would be considered close enough to cheating even though I would never do it sober. He has never asked me again if I have been loyal and never questions me, but there is guilt and I feel I am losing touch with God because of it. I feel guilty when I try to praise Him, and where I once heard His voice all I hear now is what has happened in my past. What do I do?
The simple answer is "stop sinning." You pretend to be Christian while ignoring God's laws. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). This isn't just about your sexual sins, which I assume you are also committing with your fiance. You are sinning in many other ways, and then you wonder if God is hearing your prayers. "The LORD is far from the wicked, but He hears the prayer of the righteous" (Proverbs 15:29).
Sin is hard enough to resist, but you invite it into your life when you get drunk or use drugs. "You are all sons of light and sons of the day. We are not of the night nor of darkness. Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation. For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Thessalonians 5:5-9). While you didn't want to have sex with these men, you left yourself without defenses by getting drunk. It doesn't excuse what these men did, but you ended up in the situation because of your sins.
Become a real Christian, a new person who is free from sin. "Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin" (Romans 6:3-7). You might regret the time you wasted in the past, but at least you will not you are not that person anymore.