Did I cause my child to die? Did God? Why did it happen?
Question:
I contacted you a couple of months back when I was having difficulties with an unplanned pregnancy. The feeling in my heart right now is one of confusion. Even though the baby was conceived in fornication, I never even thought of having an abortion. Despite the refusal of the man who impregnated me to consider marriage, I still wanted to have my baby.
Unfortunately, when I went to the hospital to do my baby's 24 weeks ultrasound, the baby was already dead. I had to deliver the baby and I went through much grief. To make matters worse, the baby's father and his family stopped calling barely two days after my baby was stillborn. No medical reason was given for the intrauterine fetal death and this has been a source of concern to me.
Right now, I am in grief and only my family and friends support me. I still can't shake off the terrible feeling that maybe I wanted my baby dead because of the shame I felt over getting pregnant outside wedlock. But on the other hand, I keep asking myself if indeed it is God's will, I mean, how could God have allowed my baby to die? How really can I accept the death of my baby as God's will and move on? But God is not wicked, could the death of my baby signify something that I don't understand? How do I know this is really God's will?
I expect to hear from you as soon as possible. Thank you, sir.
Answer:
I am sorry that your child died. Miscarriages and stillbirths do happen and sometimes the medical community just doesn't know why. Most often it is due to a genetic defect that did not allow the child to develop properly.
You did not make the child die. Children are born regardless of whether a mother wants the child or not. The mother's personal desires don't factor into the matter. Something went wrong with the development of the child.
That the man stopped contacting you further shows his lack of character. He definitely is not husband material and it is a good thing you did not marry him.
You and I cannot second guess what is going on in the spiritual realm. For example, in the testing of Job, Job's children died (Job 1:18-19). It was Satan's doing that God did not prevent from happening. We really don't know why it was allowed. In the same way, death is in the world because Satan brought sin into the world. God doesn't prevent all deaths from happening.
But children start life innocent of sin. Those who don't make it to birth don't experience the world, but it also means they do not have to face temptation and sin like the rest of us. Therefore, in many ways, they are better off. Some people live long lives that are worse because they did not make proper use of their life. "If a man begets a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with goodness, or indeed he has no burial, I say that a stillborn child is better than he -- for it comes in vanity and departs in darkness, and its name is covered with darkness. Though it has not seen the sun or known anything, this has more rest than that man, even if he lives a thousand years twice -- but has not seen goodness. Do not all go to one place?" (Ecclesiastes 6:3-6). Ultimately whether a person lives a long life or a short one, he ends up in death at the end.
What is important is that while your child lived you loved him. You were willing to bear a child without a husband because the child's life was more important to you than your convenience. You made a statement to the child and to the world that lasts. While you made a grave mistake with your sin, you did not let that sin make you less of a person.
Get rest, give yourself time to heal, and learn that real men aren't going to insist on having sex with you until after you are married. Such men exist, so look for a man who will be your life's companion.
