Did I break a vow I made due to OCD?
Question:
Good morning,
I struggle with intrusive thoughts, doubts, fears, and compulsive behaviors. This is the way it has tended to show up for me:
Example 1: Walking down the sidewalk and thanking God for a beautiful day
Thought: "You should kneel on the sidewalk to pray publicly."
I would resist: “No, I don’t want to do that, and I shouldn’t have to do that.”
Thought: “Are you proud or ashamed of your faith?”
I would resist: “No, I just don’t want to and don’t have to.”
Thought: “You’re ashamed of Jesus, and he says he will be ashamed of those who are ashamed of him.”
Compulsion: kneel to pray
Example 2: I was eating a hamburger and saw some blood and realized I had eaten blood
Thought: "You should make yourself throw up." I would resist: “No, I don’t want to do that, and I shouldn’t have to do that.”
Thought: “You aren’t willing?”
I would resist: “I am, I just don’t want to and don’t have to”
Thought: “You’re more afraid of throwing up than you are willing to do what is right, and if Jesus comes back tonight, you will go to hell because you aren’t willing to do what is right, no matter what.”
Compulsion: I made myself puke up the meat
Example 3: I was writing a check for $50 for the church on Sunday
Thought: "You should give $100 instead."
I would resist: “No, I don’t want to do that, and don’t have to.”
Thought: “Are you greedy?”
I would resist: “No, I just don’t want to and don’t have to”
Thought: “You love possessions more than God because you aren’t willing to give more and your heart isn't right with God.”
Compulsion: I contribute $100 instead of $50
Example 4: I was afraid that I had committed the unforgivable sin and was praying to God that I could be forgiven, and had assurance that I could be saved
Thought: "You should make a vow of celibacy to go to heaven like (Hannah made a vow for Samuel).”
I would resist: “No, I don’t want to do that, and I shouldn’t have to do that.”
Thought: “You aren’t willing to make this vow to go to heaven?”
I would resist: “I am, I just don’t want to and don’t have to”
Thought: “You value a wife over heaven, and you are risking losing your eternal soul so that you can get married temporarily on earth.”
Compulsion: I made the vow
Eventually, I reached out for help and was diagnosed with OCD. They explained it as, "Your brain is malfunctioning and you have these random intrusive thoughts that make you anxious," and it was talked about with a language that made it seem like OCD is separate from me, my will, my beliefs, etc., like it was this separate thing from me.
But it seems to me that it isn't my brain malfunctioning, and these thoughts, doubts, and accusations are not random. Rather, my fear of not being right with God is constantly in the background of my mind, and so I'm always on the lookout for proof that I'm not right with Him, which breeds doubt. In addition, there seem to be underlying beliefs that I am right with God and "fully committed" to Him because I am willing to do hard things. So in moments when I'm trying to connect to Him, my fears bring these thoughts and urges up. And the compulsions are an attempt to reduce the fear of not being right with God based on these rules and standards I impose on myself.
It seems clear from these examples that I have imposed these rules on myself. And I ended up doing these things because I felt guilty and afraid of what it might mean if I didn’t measure up to these rules or standards. And even then, it doesn’t seem like there was genuine conviction and desire to do something, even though it is hard, because I resisted and tried to reason and reassure myself that I didn’t need to do them and would be willing if I had to do them, but I just didn’t want to or have to. It seems the underlying belief that I need to be willing to do hard things, my obedience to “my part” (vs. God's part), and my fear of not being right with God birthed these urges.
I’m really concerned about this vow. I was told that I was doing these things because a random thought popped into my head (including the vow), and I needed to prove to myself that I was willing to do them, and that is where the compulsions came in. So I concluded it was not a genuine vow, and I ended up getting married. But it seems like it is more than that now. And I’m afraid that my marriage is illegitimate (similar to a homosexual couple or divorcing and remarrying). With the other examples, they are in the past, and I can’t really do anything about them. It seems like the path forward is to lean into God and let his love heal the fears that led to these things.
But with the vow, it seems different because vows are things that bind oneself to the future. It is possible that God does not expect me to keep the vow, since it was a self-imposed vow I neither intended nor wanted to make. It makes sense rationally to me, but I don’t really see any scriptural precedent for that. I don’t really see any teaching or examples about vows that say God doesn’t expect you to keep them or will release you from them. The closest thing would be when the Jews made oaths to kill Paul, but of course, they wouldn’t be expected to keep that, since doing so would involve murdering someone, whereas with my vow, there is nothing inherently wrong or sinful with living celibately.
I feel guilty and afraid because I feel like Ecclesiastes 5 and Psalms 15 are what I did. I made a vow in desperation, then changed my mind when I got some space from the situation.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Answer:
In every example, your fear of being uncertain led you to impose imaginary rules on yourself. None of your examples were based on God's teachings and requirements. Each one was made up in a foolish attempt to make you feel more secure.
"Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself? Do not be excessively wicked and do not be a fool. Why should you die before your time? It is good that you grasp one thing and also not let go of the other; for the one who fears God comes forth with both of them" (Ecclesiastes 7:16-18).
You are trying to be more righteous than what God has asked of man, and, as Solomon warned, you have ruined your peace. Salvation is not earned. You don't obtain it by impressive feats or by taking on excessive hardships. Such things don't impress God. What He wants is your obedience - no more and no less.
"If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, 'Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!' (which all refer to things destined to perish with use) --in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence" (Colossians 2:20-23).
What is lacking is trust in God. You are always looking for something extra.
I suspect that the core problem is that something in your brain keeps pulling the "Alarm!" cord, even when there is nothing to be anxious about. But your mind desperately wants to find an explanation for the way you feel, and you have latched on to imagining that your salvation is in jeopardy. Every time your anxiety rises, you decide that whatever you are doing must be "improved" to assure your salvation.
Instead of arguing with yourself or accepting your imaginary rules, force yourself to turn to the Bible and learn what God says on the subject. Limit yourself to what God said, and trust that such is enough because God said so.
Regarding vows, see:
