Can my former fiancè and I be friends after committing fornication?
Question:
Hello,
I am a young woman in my early twenties who has been on and off in my relationship with God. I have grown, in a sense. I’ve memorized several Scriptures, read my Bible, and involved myself in a girl's Bible study.
I’ve struggled with sexual sin most of my life. When I started dating my fiancé, we fell into sexual sins although I was hesitant and did not want to. He said it was not required, but I felt as though it was. He wasn’t attentive to me and shortly after he proposed to me, I found out he cheated on me with several girls. I wanted to leave him, but he kept trying to prove to me it would be different. I stayed with him and he did everything in his power to make things right.
Once I had a miscarriage and we started back into sexual sins and then moved in together in an attempt to fill the void of what we lost. I kept feeling convicted about living together but never voiced it. We eventually did better at abstaining from one another but new stresses entered our lives. I started a career while continuing my education, helping my parents, and then I came down with the Epstein-Barr virus. The stress caused me to be neglectful and rude toward him. I was tired all of the time and running myself thin. Because I made more than him, he would try to help out by cleaning and cooking as well as trying to keep me happy. I was tired all the time from not feeling strong enough to tell people "no" and overworking myself. I would take my anger out on him.
Then we had an argument and he left me for a weekend and didn’t come back. When he did, I agreed to work on myself and put everything I was doing on the back burner. I did all I could to put him first. I even purchased an expensive trip for us to take and neglected my work for him. Leading up to it, we continued in sexual sin but eventually stopped. Although I was on birth control, a part of me still hoped to get pregnant again so we did not use protection.
When he left the next week for a work trip, he came back and admitted he went to the strip club. He felt as though he was unworthy to be with me because he feels he’s no better than his father. He left me without much explanation. I tried to check on him while he was gone.
Later, he decided he wanted to come back, but I found out he had got on a dating website, sent nude photos to a random person, and met up with another person he met on the app, but he claims he didn’t sleep with them. I quickly forgave him because I missed him and didn’t want to have sexual sin or cohabitation in the mix this time, but I knew it was both that he wanted. I gave in without discussing it too much with him in fear of losing him. A week later, I started feeling conflicted about not listening to my conviction. I expressed this to him and he wanted the same. I still need and loved him, but I kept refusing to listen to my convictions.
The next day, I started feeling like breaking up with him. It felt like it was impossible for us to be together because of everything going on and from always settling. But the next day I felt I heard God say we can restore the relationship and I prayed for restoration as well. I also felt deep regret for this and told him. I still wanted to be together, but he was confused.
He started talking to his pastor, praying, reading his Bible, and trying to form a relationship with God because he hasn’t been religious.
I felt a sense of peace, could say Scripture, and sing praise but I kept feeling conflicted about whether God wanted this relationship for me or not.
We have become friends right now from advice given to me by my pastor because of my being conflicted about overthinking everything and being scared about what I should do. I want to continue to be his friend and hopefully build back up in the right way this time, but I wonder if that’s what God wants. I slept and woke up this morning with the thought on my mind “if your left-hand causes you to sin, cut it off” and it makes me wonder if this means God wants me to completely cut him out of my life. Because we are both trying to grow again individually in faith and still deeply care about one another, we still want to be together, but I know obedience comes first and foremost and I want to be obedient. Should we stop being friends and cut one another off altogether because of our mess-ups or is there something else I need to cut off?
Your biblical advice will be helpful. Thank you in advance.
Answer:
Both of you are expecting God's help while you willfully ignore God's teachings. "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You have been committing fornication and then wondering why things aren't working out between the two of you.
Now you are thinking about what you have done and have gotten into your head that you need to punish yourself. Perhaps you think that your misery will make up for your sins, but it won't work.
The simple answer is what the apostle Paul advised. "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:9). This is what you two should have done from the beginning -- before having sex and before moving in together. Whether you want to commit the rest of your lives together is the discussion you and he should be having. Then with a stable family, you can start having children without the worries of the other person abandoning the relationship.
Question:
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.
Because we both knew we weren't doing what God wanted, he moved out last week and we have been repenting and abstaining.
Could the guilt from my sins be causing me to question the relationship? I knew I loved him wholeheartedly and always believed in what he could be. My mom was upset when he left and told me to block him. My father said we should have spent a year apart. I know they’re giving advice out of love but I guess this has also caused some conflict. He still loves me very much but is willing to be my friend until I come to a full decision.
Should we try going a week without talking and use that time to pray and read more of the word?
Answer:
It seems to me that the major question is whether he is willing to give up sexual sins. To find that out, you are going to have to talk with him. Not talking to him is just punishing him and yourself. Punishment is for getting people to change and start doing right. However, you tell me that you both are working at changing for the better. Therefore, choosing to not talk is punishing doing what is right.
Spend time together where you won't be tempted to sin. Have serious talks about the future. Discuss your concerns. Then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and whether he wants to spend his life with only you. Prayer is important but this is a joint decision that cannot be made in isolation from each other.
