Can I remarry if my husband divorces me?
Question:
Hello,
I have a question about divorce.
My husband and I are both in our mid-twenties. We've been married less than two years. We are both in the body and have been for some time now. Because of my upbringing, I have anger management issues. So throughout our marriage, my husband has been saying he is tired of being miserable and he wants a divorce. I don't want the divorce. I am going to counseling, trying to evolve, and get rid of my issues as well as praying and leaning on God's Word.
My husband has an issue with porn, which I didn't know prior to our marriage. He never told me. I found out about it by going through his things: computer, phone, etc. because he was not wanting to "sleep" with me. I automatically thought he was cheating but I still don't know if he has or not. Anyway, he is blaming the terrible marriage on me. I always desired to be more spiritual, but he never did, and it really showed during this pandemic. He stop worshipping and then he said he doesn't believe in religion anymore.
All he does is work, come home and sit in his game room, and play a game, and masturbate. I know because I keep finding his dirty used shirts around there.
I want to make our marriage work but he doesn't. He doesn't believe in counseling and he doesn't want to go. He keeps trying to blame everything on me as if he doesn't have things to work on.
I read Matthew 5:27-28 where he talks about if a man leaves his wife for reasons other than adultery, then he can cause her to be an adulteress. I dont want to be that. I hope and pray God hears my prayers. I don't want this marriage to end. I want to make it work.
Will God allow me to remarry in the far future if he divorces me and then has sex after we are divorced? The circumstances are just really stressful right now. I just had a child last year. I've been praying to God that he submits to Him and for God to bring us back together.
I hope you can help me understand God's word on this!
Answer:
It is difficult to solve marital problems when there are obvious problems with both the husband and wife but you are only dealing with one side. My general rule is to discuss what you need to do since you are the one I'm talking to. It doesn't mean there aren't things your husband needs to work on, but he isn't asking for my advice.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Anger isn't a psychological problem. It is a spiritual problem. This means you have a choice, even when it feels like you have no control. "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13). It is good that you are working on it because anger can prevent you from entering heaven.
I know your husband has a lot of problems of his own to work on. I'm sure he isn't all that lovable right now, but another requirement of a wife to show respect for her husband. "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Notice that this worded to each individual. It is not required only when it is reciprocated or easy. It has to be given regardless. Instead of focusing on his failures, focus on the things he is doing right and praise him for his good attributes. It will be hard at first because you have a habit of only focusing on his flaws. Ask if he can open a jar and then praise his strength and how nice it is to have a strong man around the house. What typically happens is that the other person starts to reach for what you praise him for being. It won't be an overnight change, but it will come.
I also get the impression that the two of you don't do much talking. Men tend not to be great conversationalists, but you can break down barriers by simply listening. Ask him questions that are not confrontational or controversial -- questions that can't be answered easily with just a "yes" or "no." "How was work today?" Ask about things or people he mentioned in past. Doing this shows that you were listening before and that what he said was important. There is a list of questions I give out in pre-marriage classes that would make good starter questions (Getting to Know Each Other). Don't ask them all at once. Pick one to ask at dinner when things get quiet. Who knows, you might discover something new to like about him.
I don't know if these will save your marriage or not. I do know that they will lower the pressure that is building.
Regardless of his lack of interest right now, put serving God first in your life. Go to worship, even if he stays home. Read your Bible and study lessons. Do good things for your neighbors and your fellow Christians. After you establish the habit of doing good on your own, invite him to help once in a while, and don't be surprised if he turns you down, but know that at least you gave him a chance. "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (I Peter 3:1-2).
I know you asked about remarriage. I saved this for the end because you are better off focusing on how to rescue your marriage than planning for it to end. Please understand that the Lord only allows remarriage if the cause of the divorce was fornication and you weren't the one committing sexual sins (Matthew 19:9). If he gets involved in adultery after divorcing you, it doesn't give you a right to marry again.
