Can a married man have a female friend whom he prefers over his wife?
Question:
My husband has a new "friend" (female) that he constantly chooses over me. He lies to me in order to be with this friend. He tells this friend things that I told him in confidence about her, such as that I am uncomfortable with their new relationship. He puts me down to this new "friend." He refuses to give up this "friend" even when I tell him I'm really hurt by this new "friendship" he has with another woman. He lets his new "friend" call me many nasty names without sticking up for me.
We went to therapy once and he refuses to go back because the therapist told him he's in the wrong. He continues to lie to me to be with her after promising to stop contact. He claims no sexual relationship or sexual feelings for her, but he has written text messages to her stating things like "I would be lost without you," "I don't ever want to lose you," "I've never been so comfortable with anyone else before or never had as much fun with anyone as I have with you," and "Everything I've done has been for you." I could go on.
Even if there was no sex, this relationship is wrong, right? What does the Bible say about divorce? I'm so hurt and have lost so much respect, and lost a lot of feelings for him, but we have two little girls. I feel that divorce is wrong. I guess what I really want to know is if it's wrong according to God to get divorced because that's really what I'm leaning toward.
Answer:
One of the difficult things about giving advice in this manner is that I know nothing beyond what you have told me. I don't know your husband's side of the story and I can't really clarify facts by asking pertinent questions. That leaves me to read between the lines, which isn't always accurate.
You state that you feel divorce is wrong, but you are strongly considering divorcing your husband. You can't have it both ways. Could you divorce your husband over this matter? The answer would be yes, but it would not allow you to remarry. "But to the married I command -- not I, but the Lord -- that the wife not leave her husband (but if she departs, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband not leave his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). However, I would not recommend it in this particular case.
You describe your husband as a man looking for companionship but in the wrong place. I suspect that he has told you plainly what is wrong, but you have ignored him or did not believe what he said. Why is it that another woman is able to be a better companion to your husband than you, especially when it is to your home that he returns to each night? What I suspect is that you trying to talk him into doing what you see as right (i.e. nagging him) and he is running to another woman for peace. "Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs 21:9). In other words, I suspect that you are not innocent in this conflict. What he is doing is wrong, but you don't fix a wrong with additional wrongs.
Treat this as a war for your husband's heart. You currently have the upper hand. You have his children, his home, and his marriage vows. Use the mind God has given you. Listen to what your husband says about your relationship and seriously consider how to make improvements. There is a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Go get a copy and see if there are ideas you can use to improve your relationship with your husband.
If nothing else, do it for the sake of your girls. They need to have a father in their lives, especially when they hit their teenage years. But even more important, they need to see your example in how to treat a husband to prepare them for marriage in the future. So give it more than your best shot.
