Because I committed adultery many lives are affected, so what should I do?
Question:
Hi there,
I have a question which I hope you will be able to answer.
I was married with young children and committed adultery with an ex-boyfriend. I divorced my husband, moved out of the home, and now live alone. I'm committing fornication with this boyfriend. I view myself as an adulteress and am deeply sad that I have hurt my children and family in such harmful ways -- more than I'd imagined or expected.
My boyfriend does not regard me as having a marriage because I did not love my husband but went away to marry him anyway. To him, marriage is the coming of two people in body, mind, and soul, who deeply love each other (which I did not) and then go on to have children as a symbol of their love. I love my children but do not love their father. We often fought and there was a lot of verbal abuse -- to the extent that I stopped communicating with him in person and whatever remaining communication was by text messages and even that was minimal. As the divorce proceedings went on, I realized that the father had been hiding many things from me, such as our financial status. I really did not know this person at all.
My grandfather had many mistresses and on both sides, my parents had their share of adulterers and second marriages. I think I inherited a generational curse. I do not wish for this curse to permeate through my children and their children.
Now that I have committed adultery, I often feel confused, unable to think through simple things and make simple decisions or even to feel many things. The realization that I have no morality, no moral compass and a whole host of other problems within me is now so apparent. I love this boyfriend very much, yet I am aware that we are committing fornication. I do not want to be condemned by God and reap the consequences of what I have done and am doing, and for my future generations to suffer.
My boyfriend says he loves me very much and wants to spend eternity with me but my character, lack of morality, and the like, is affecting him. My family has been threatening me and him because of my adultery and has asked me many times to repent of my sins. This constant bombardment from my family has affected my boyfriend negatively. He wants me to put a stop to all of their bombardment through legal means. I am reluctant because even if they betrayed me, they are still my parents and the Bible says to honor them. Do I have to honor my parents even if they abuse me emotionally, mentally and physically? My boyfriend is aware that I am easily influenced and swayed by people, so he is extremely cautious of whom I speak with.
I'm really confused and need help as to what I should do now since it involves so many lives. So many lives are at stake now and I do not wish for them to be negatively impacted by my actions. What should I do?
Please help.
Answer:
If you are easily influenced by people, it would include your current boyfriend. Please understand that any advice he gives is biased toward his own goals.
You committed adultery and are continuing to live in adultery. I know you divorced your first husband, but that does not mean you were released from your covenant by God. Your marriage vows were before God (Matthew 19:6), so only God can establish the rules by which a marriage can end. Jesus stated that only when a person divorces because his spouse is committing fornication can he marry someone else. If fornication is not the cause of the divorce, then any marriage entered into would be adultery (Matthew 19:9; Matthew 5:32). In addition, the one who committed adultery is not allowed a second marriage until the first spouse dies (Romans 7:2-3).
You are the one who committed adultery; thus, you remain bound by your covenant until your first husband dies. It doesn't matter that you changed your mind and decided you did not like the man you chose to marry. Covenants are a serious matter and are bound for the life of those who enter into them.
While you grew up in a family who did not honor their marriage vows, it doesn't mean you were cursed. It means you didn't have good examples of proper behavior in a marriage. It explains why you chose to commit adultery so readily, but it doesn't change the fact that you decided to sin. You teach other people by your words and by your example. Your example is teaching your children that having sex without being married is acceptable, so it is possible that they will imitate your behavior in their own lives.
Your family wants you to go to heaven and God is quite clear that continuing in sin, including adultery, will not allow you to enter heaven (I Corinthians 6:9-10). I understand that you don't like what they are telling you, but in this matter, they are not wrong.
Your boyfriend doesn't care about these matters. He is having sex with you without being married, but the fact that God says it is wrong doesn't phase him (Hebrews 13:4). His claim that you were not really married is false, and you know this. His attempt to make your current sexual sins appear to be a marriage is nothing more than another lie to allow him to continue to have sex with you.
The solution to this mess is to leave this man. You will have to remain unmarried until either you patch up things with your first husband or until he passes away. "But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
Question:
Hi Sir,
Thank you for your reply. How do I leave this person without hurting him? I feel guilty regarding my actions. I do love him very much and believe there are strong soul ties to him and more so now. He has sacrificed his plans of relocating overseas to stay where I am. Despite my being horrible in every way, he still sticks with me.
I feel elevated when I am with him when times are good; yet, I often feel that a single body movement or word said would be interpreted by him as me being insensitive, daft, stupid, or insidious even when I did not have such intentions. Then it would lead to him rehashing about how I am a slut and how stupid I am, then the situation turns to me punishing him as a result of my actions. I am careful to speak because it’d eventually lead to me being called stupid or how I’m a slut. I don’t know if the things he says are true. I’ve cut off contact with my family and friends as a result of the divorce situation. I haven’t made friends in more than half a year and don’t know if I’m doing or saying the right things anymore.
How do I build up myself to be a holy and righteous person and stop the immorality?
Thank you.
Answer:
I stated how you stop the immorality the last time: you leave the immoral situation. That you ignored the statement tells me that you ignore things that you don't want to hear.
Of course, this will make him upset. He will be losing his free sex, and you won't be around for him to abuse any longer. Yes, I said "abuse" because you mentioned several things in this last note that is characteristic of an abuser: switching from loving to verbally abusive at the slightest provocation and making the victim think she is the one at fault are two attributes.
Instead of being worried about his feelings, should you not be more concerned about what God thinks about the situation and your soul's salvation?
