Am I restricted to only marrying the boy I first had sex with?
Question:
I was really having trouble ever since I had sex before marriage. I asked for forgiveness and I was terrified that I would not be forgiven, but tonight I went to church. I'm so happy to have learned and re-learned all of the things I have and I want to do right.
I told my boyfriend the situation (he already knew I have had sex before) and I explained to him that I am repenting and that he can't touch me or commit any sexual sins with me or we can not be together. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him but I love the Lord more. He believes in God, he's a Christian and truly does try to follow in His teachings as best as possible.
I want to marry him someday, but I'm afraid to make him unclean. What I really want to know is if I could ever marry anyone but the boy I had sex with (who does not love me and enjoys sexual sin with many other girls)? I want to marry my boyfriend one day and I want us both to live in and through Christ and (if it is the Lord's will) teach our children correct values. I am willing, however, to stay unmarried if I have to marry the boy I had sex with. I would stay unmarried because I am very certain that he would not marry me. Am I allowed to marry my boyfriend?
Answer:
Sex does not create a commitment or a marriage. It is the lack of commitment that is one of the numerous reasons why sex before marriage is wrong. As you found out the hard way, sex doesn't create any obligations to you by the boy who used you for his own needs.
Under the Old Testament law, which Christians are not under, there were provisions for handling cases of fornication.
"If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins" (Exodus 22:16-17).
"If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).
These laws covered both cases of rape and consensual sex. The man had to pay the father what is equivalent to about the amount a person could save up in seven years worth of working (assuming he saved half of his wages) as a dowry. The father of the woman had the choice of forcing a marriage or refusing the marriage. Whichever way it went, the man still had to pay the 50 shekels of silver. It should be clear that if the man was a rapist or bum, it is very unlikely that the father would allow the marriage. But if it was caving into passion by two people who genuinely loved each other, then he would force the marriage. If they married, the man gave up all rights to divorcing his wife. Thus there were fines and punishments for fornication.
But as I stated earlier, Christians are not under the Old Law. We can learn from them, but we are not forced to follow them. In this case, the boy you had sex with is a bum. He would never make a good husband, nor would he be willing to commit himself to you for the rest of his life. If you were living back under the Old Law, your father probably won't have been able to throw him out of the house fast enough. Sadly, our society doesn't put any penalties on having sex before marriage, which is a reason it is so widespread.
Fortunately, you learned a hard lesson and decided to straighten up your life. You've gone to God for forgiveness and returned to serving Him. You've made a commitment to wait until marriage for sex. So why would you think that marrying the young man you love would make him "unclean." If you repented of your sins you are not unclean. "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:7-9).
If you marry this young man, your marriage will be holy in the sight of God. So stop trashing yourself, you are valuable to God and this young man who loves you.
