Am I able to return to God?
Question:
I'm in my 30s. Last year, I decided to become a Christian. I'm in the "doctrine," but I haven't been baptized yet. When I decided to become a Christian, my family turned their backs on me. I only had the support of a sister and her husband, who preached the word of God to me.
At work, I met a non-Christian. I moved in with her shortly after I decided to become a Christian. A car hit me and broke my ankle. God saved me from death. I'm still recovering from that incident. Being disabled for a month, I stopped attending church. Then the husband of my friend, whom I was living with, raped me. A medical examiner confirmed that I was raped.
After the rape, I told the brothers who preached the word of God to me what happened. They told me that I could stay and live with them. Shortly after I moved in, I decided to fast because I sought healing. I have epilepsy, and I know that God is the only one who can heal me because He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to pay for our sins and illnesses. On the second day of fasting, I had intense seizures. My face was bruised, and my vision turned red. I began to feel nauseous and vomited blood. I was afraid of being pregnant because of the rape that had happened less than two weeks prior.
I was unable to continue attending my church. I rested and recovered. When I decided to return to my church, I twisted my ankle, and I couldn't walk. The pastor advised me to rest for a month until I had fully recovered. I feel like I got cold and moved away from God during my absence from worship.
A few days ago, I had nowhere to stay, and a friend paid for a room in a hostel for me. He approached me and kissed me. I fell quickly and returned his kiss. We ended up having sex.
Now I'm unsure if I'll be able to return to God's path, if God will forgive me for what I've done, or what I need to do to be able to return to His path.
Answer:
It sounds like life has been really difficult for you. I'm sure there are numerous details that you left out, but what I notice is that you seem to be too trusting of men. I assume that the woman's husband took advantage of you being on pain medication. He should be turned over to the police, though I understand that in some countries, the police are not helpful in rape cases.
It wasn't proper to move in with some men from the church, even though they had your best interests in mind.
It is late to say this, but fasting is not recommended for people with epilepsy. The lack of food and the probable reduction in fluids can affect the dosage of the medication you are supposed to be taking. See "Fasting and Epilepsy."
I don't know why you no longer had a place to stay, but clearly, the man who got you a room was doing so to have sex with you. I'm sorry that you couldn't resist the temptation.
With God, it doesn't matter what your past was like. He is interested in who you are. "But if the wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed and observes all My statutes and practices justice and righteousness, he shall surely live; he shall not die. All his transgressions which he has committed will not be remembered against him; because of his righteousness which he has practiced, he will live. Do I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked," declares the Lord GOD, "rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?" (Ezekiel 18:21-23). However, this means you need to take responsibility for your choices and change your behavior. You need to think through situations and consider where certain situations might lead. But most of all, you need to submit to God's will and be baptized (Acts 2:38; Romans 6:3-7; I Peter 3:21). Where you came from doesn't matter, it is where you are going that is important.
