My wife doesn’t want to live with me any longer
Question:
Hello Bro. Hamilton,
Thank you for the tremendous amount of labor you've devoted to this website and helping people properly understand and discern God's word.
I have a question about what I should or am allowed to do regarding I Corinthians 7. My wife has been adamant for the last six months that she no longer wants to live with me. She stopped wearing her ring. I've pleaded with her, shown her Scripture, but although she "believes" in God's existence, she doesn't read the Bible at all or consider it an authority if it doesn't say what she likes. She thinks only a "preacher" is qualified to discuss and teach God's word.
To my knowledge, she has not obeyed the gospel but simply sits in church from time to time, distracted by her phone. We both have our faults and have made mistakes, but whereas I am willing to forgive, she is not. She also has an untreated mental illness, and we have an innocent caught in the middle.
She has suggested that we sell the house and split the proceeds, which would be the most peaceful option. But that would require my consent. If I don't agree, then she will file for divorce, and then it'll be up to a court what to do with the house, child custody, etc....
She earns more money than I do, and I can't afford to pay a lot for an attorney. We are in a no-fault state, so it will be granted regardless.
Am I sinning if I agree to sign off on the house sale, or does that somehow make me spiritually complicit in us not living together? Or do I have to say no and make her go through with the divorce process?
Thank you for your time.
Answer:
I find it helpful to consider people's motivations. There are reasons your wife doesn't want to live with you, and the most common ones are that she wants no hindrances in pursuing someone else. It isn't common for someone to want to live in isolation. If there is someone else now or if she plans to find someone else, that is important for you to know, since that could leave you free to marry again at a later point.
Even if you sell the house and split the proceeds, it doesn't end the marriage. She will likely divorce you later and make demands regarding your assets. I don't know what type of woman she is, nor do I know whether she'll allow you to see your child or not. Sometimes, you must involve the courts to ensure that everything is clearly spelled out and fairly dealt with. I suspect that she wants to split now because she is trying to protect her assets from you.
If she doesn't want to stay with you, you can't make her stay. "Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace" (I Corinthians 7:15). It is sad that she doesn't wish to honor her covenant. It will be hard on her because she won't have God's favor, but do your best to make the departure as peaceful as possible and ensure you remain involved in your child's life.
Question:
Thank you, brother Jeffrey, for your reply.
I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what it is and why the secrecy. She doesn't care what the Bible says about divorce and has even mentioned that she's spoken with a divorce lawyer. She knows that I feel bound to her so long as she's living and hasn't committed adultery because I have to honor my marital vows. It's now being weaponized against me. Her family still talks to me as though everything is fine, but I'm unsure if they're aware of the full extent of what's happening, given that she mentioned she'll do as she pleases and doesn't care about advice from anyone else. That's funny, because she used to call them all the time about perceived issues with me, but they didn't always side with her as expected.
Initially, when she announced her desire to "separate," she continued to wear her ring for a few months. Over the last few months, she has stopped wearing it and is secretive at times about where she is going or who she is with. I suspect, but I can't prove, that she is seeing someone else, and she certainly isn't going to tell me, at least not at this point.
One significant difference between her and me is that I have friends and confidants. We discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly struggles of marriage to advise and encourage one another. She and most of her "friends" are concerned with outward appearance. They want to maintain a particular image, so they avoid discussing any hardships in life and present their relationships as perfect. Because of this, she has a warped perception of marriage and life in general, and doesn't realize that hardships and marital disagreements are a natural part of life. She once commented that she wished I treated her like one of my friends treated his wife, because of what she sees on social media. This friend is a very transparent and humble person, and he offered to sit down with her and tell her about many horrible things he had done to his wife before he matured and became the man he is today, so that she could compare them to her grievances with me. However, she lost interest after realizing that her example had gone up in smoke and just continued to maintain a very hard heart.
She overcompensates with our son by yelling and trying to "make" him tough, and trying to prove that she can raise and teach him things without my assistance. The reality is that she often uses bribes, such as toys and candy, to the point where he often expects a reward just for doing what is right. I try my best to counteract it. I read him the Scriptures. I showed him scripturally, where the Bible says what mommy is doing is not right, hoping that he understands, in case my time with him gets cut drastically. I also struggle to discipline him, especially spanking, because I'm so emotional about the fear of not being a part of his daily life that I can't bring myself to do it wholeheartedly. I have to remind myself constantly, and I even tell him that the Scriptures say, "he who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly." This has taken a tremendous toll on my health. I have developed stress and anxiety, where my brain sends stress and fight or flight responses throughout my body, in the absence of any external stimulus. The doctor said it's the part of the brain that controls subconscious responses, such as swerving or slamming on the brakes without even having a chance to think, to avoid a car that has run a red light.
I know I just rambled out a long word salad, but thank you for taking the time again to read and respond. And please, if you pray for me, brother, if it crosses your mind. Thank you again.
Answer:
I would suggest hiring a private investigator to find out if she is seeing someone. It would give you some closure.
Regarding discipline, keep in mind that spanking is just one option among several. See "Notes on Disciplining Children." It is also worth noting that reasonable spanking by parents is not illegal in the United States. Currently, courts try to give parents reasonable access to their children. One parent is given custodial responsibility. While the bias is toward the mother, it is not unusual to hear that the father is given the primary responsibility when the mother is considered unfit or doesn't want to raise her child. Since a child is involved, it is important to have a lawyer representing you.
