Why People Marry
by Morris Norman
via Sentry Magazine, Vol. 17 No. 4, 31 December 1991
Marriage is the greatest of all human contracts, save the covenant of grace. Marriages sometimes fail because those entering them are either inadequately prepared or are not sufficiently committed to the relationship. Some of the key elements of a successful marriage are careful preparation, complete commitment, determination to succeed, and mutual faith and trust. Those ignorant of what is involved in marriage are not only likely to encounter problems, but are also more likely to fail.
Marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman to live together as husband and wife, mutually accepting all of the responsibilities involved and properly accepting all the rights and privileges incident to it. It is a contract by which a home is formed.
Marriage is an agreement that is ordained of God from the beginning for the happiness of mankind. Adam said, "This is now bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh: and she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man." Moses added, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." Centuries later, Christ repeated these principles and added, "What therefore God hath joined together let no man put asunder."
Marriage is more than a civil contract. It is over and above anything that a man and a woman may agree between themselves; it is to encompass everything that God has prescribed as binding on the man and woman entering the agreement. It is to be, in the scriptural sense, a permanent union between two personalities under God’s law and before men. Any deviation from the divinely ordained plan is to be the exception, not the rule (Matthew 19:9).
Marriage is to be the complete fusion of the hopes, possessions, and cares of both the man and the woman. "I" must be subordinate to "we." It is to be no longer "mine" but "ours." Mother and father take a secondary position. It is beautifully expressed in the following words, "Two hearts but with a single thought. Two hearts that beat as one," and, "Thus, they rejoice, and together they weep; mutually the sunshine and the shadows they share; triumphantly they tread the wine press of fate but never learn the scheme of despair." Successful marriages begin with commitment - bone-deep commitment -- a deep-down resolve to succeed.
Therefore, we must consider the marriage bond as the greatest of all human contracts because of the potential effect it has on the lives of others: the other mate, the children, and society as a whole. The failure in the home ultimately affects each member of the home and contributes to the failure of society as a whole.
Marriage is the greatest human contract because it is to endure the lifetime of the ־two involved. It is not a 36-month car loan, nor a 30-year mortgage on a house. It is a lifetime commitment to the well-being and happiness of partners and their children, reflecting the greatest responsibilities of life and the greatest form of human love.
With these basic principles in mind, let us look at why people marry:
To Find Happiness
People marry to find happiness, but often this is not what they get. An adequate home is essential to happiness. Wm. F. Ogbum said, "Happiness is a function of the family, probably more than any other social institution...Our capacity for happiness is probably determined largely by the influence af fecting us during the tender years of childhood, mainly spent in the family environment. Whether or not we find happiness in adult life is dependent in a good part on our success in mating and forming a successful family life." Happiness depends, then, to a large degree, on the kind of person we are and the kind of person we marry, resulting from a wise and considerate selection.
Social Reasons
People often marry for social reasons, seeking to achieve social status and fulfill social expectations. Social status is a means to improve our social standing, and marriage provides social approval. Even in modern society, "living together" (outside of marriage) still carries a social stigma. Even those who "live together" often intend to marry someday, if not to each other. Social expectations are being accepted by society, and this is more readily achieved in marriage. Single life often limits social involvement. Being widowed often changes one's social standing. This is the reason for singles’ bars and singles’ ministries in some churches.
Economic Reasons
People often marry for economic reasons, seeking to achieve a certain level of economic status. If this is the main reason one marries, one earns every dime of it. Our society places great emphasis on wealth. For a daughter to "marry well" often means economic security rather than marrying a man of good character. We condition our children to value economic security; as a result, money and things become important to them. God designs marriage to give economic balance to the home. The man, as the wage earner, is the supplier of the home, and the woman is the helper, sufficient as the keeper at home.
Security
People marry for security, not economic security, but emotional security —a feeling of well-being. Our quest for financial security often defeats this by taking the woman out of the home or making the man a workaholic. This can rob those in the home of that feeling of security, a closeness that can’t be bought with money. Many homes have economic security but lack emotional security.
Regeneration
People marry for regeneration, to find sufficient recreation. When there is emotional security, the home becomes an outlet for life. We must be on our "good behavior" in the world, on the job, in school, with our peers. At home, we can "let our hair down" and be ourselves to ease the tensions. This is a great way to recreate, and the activity is even more valuable when it involves the whole family. Husbands and wives should plan to spend their recreation time together. Separation in our leisure time often leads to a breakdown in the home. We are separated too much in our modern society, not having the opportunity to know each other.
Sex
People marry to satisfy biological needs, which can scripturally be fulfilled only in marriage (I Corinthians 7:1-5). Marriage has as one of its provisions to fulfill our sexual needs. Outside of marriage, it is a sin. Marriage avoids shame, disgrace, and sin.
Experience
People marry for the enlargement of life’s experiences. Dr. Paul Popenoe went so far as to say that persons who never marry live only 1/3 of life; persons who marry but do not have children live only 2/3 of life; but persons who marry and raise children live all of life. Marriage and parenthood are two of the most transformative experiences available to humanity.
Companionship
People marry for intimate relationships and to ward off loneliness. It can occur in one’s youth, when there is a lack of closeness in the home, or when a young person has left home for college or work. Soon, the excitement of "being on your own" wears off, and loneliness sets in. As a result, an early marriage is often disastrous. It can occur in old age, which can also be disastrous. It can also happen in marriage if the relationship is not quality, and divorce often results. Life can be tedious, boring, and unsatisfying if we do not develop good relationships. Then loneliness sets in. God designs marriage to supply these personal needs. No one should be neglected, from the young to the old. There is always a need for love, understanding, and moral support in all of us. Be careful to maintain the supply source for this intimate need for all family members.
This intimate relationship is to last over the lifetime of the husband and wife. Robert Browning wrote, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be. The last of life for which the first was made." Growing old is not the attraction, but the companionship is. Because this is lost, golden wedding anniversaries may go out of vogue.
Love
Finally, people marry for love, and this should be the bottom line. Our need for love begins at birth, and we never outgrow it. This love should be supplied by loving parents right through the teenage years. As these teens grow away from the family circle, the urge to mate grows as they seek to satisfy this love in marriage. Then, this loving couple begins the cycle again by becoming loving parents.
We speak of real love that develops in four areas. Discover mutual interests during courtship (this cannot be discovered in the back seat of an automobile, where the body of the other is the primary interest). It can only be found as they discuss the second area: interests and life goals. Number three, there should be deep respect for the other’s person, to value each other’s self-esteem. And finally, there should be a marked absence of personality traits that cause irritation and quarrels or which are abusive, both verbally and physically. If there is not a good portion of the above, true love will have a hard time being nurtured.
Love answers every other reason given as to why people marry. Love brings the happiness we desire. Love satisfies all social needs. Love gives continuous contentment within the economic limits of the wage earner. Love affords the inward security of peace in life. Love offers an adequate place from the world to regenerate ourselves. Love supplies a moral outlet for our biological needs. Love realizes the enlargement of life’s experiences. Love leads to the intimate companionship we all yearn for. Love builds the character of all those involved in the experiences of love, in the give and take of this intimate relationship.
Therefore, if we marry to get, rather than to give, we will never fully realize any of these benefits in any marriage. If we ever lose sight of the fact that we are to marry to love, we will never have a quality marriage, nor will we find fulfilling happiness that God designed for marriage.
