Why do guys keep leaving me?
Question:
If a person walks away from you, and you haven't done anything wrong in the relationship, should you let them walk away? My reasoning behind this question is that the men I meet keeping walking away from me. This was before I was saved and it is still happening now after I was saved. I thought maybe I understand why before I was saved. The relationships were ungodly. But now that I want a godly relationship, my relationships end faster than the ungodly relationships. The pattern I've noticed is that at first the guys seem into me and everything is going fine. Then a circumstance or uneasy situation occurs in their life and it seems that they just up and leave and never talk to me or take my calls again. But I know that I've done nothing wrong.
Answer:
You didn't give me much to go on.
If this just happened once, I could agree that it might have just been the man, but you say it happens repeatedly and you are the only common element. It might be that whatever is happening may seem insignificant to you, but to the guy, something important happened, or more likely something didn't happen.
For example, because of your past, you might be picking guys who are looking for a sexual relationship without a commitment. The choice may not be intentional, just what you are familiar with. But because he eventually realizes you aren't going to let him into your bed without being married, he gives up and searches for easier pickings. But, as I said, it is only a guess because you didn't really say what is going on.
Question:
Okay, the last guy I dated said that he was a Christian, loved God, changed his ways, and so on. However, his ex-girlfriend broke up with him and put him out; not once but twice. Of course, I didn't find this out until we were hanging out that she did this a month before we met. This girl is also the mother of his first child, who is less than a year old. Anyway, this guy assured me that he was done with her, he didn't want her, she wasn't a Christian, she mocked him for being one, she was mean, only wanted his money, and so on.
So one night we were at his house and the girl came over and made a big deal about him moving on after she dumped him. Once I realized that it was not a good idea to remain there, I politely left quietly. Later he texted me and said that he was sorry that I had to witness such a thing. I accepted his apology and I asked him are they going to try and work things out? He said no and that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn't going anywhere. So I said ok and we moved on. I'm assuming I shouldn't have moved on because I wouldn't be looking for an answer from you if I would have ended it then.
Anyway, one day he called me and told me that his baby is sick and the girl wants him to come to the doctor with her. We talked after they got back from the doctor and he also told me that another lady showed up at his grandmother's house with a year-old boy and said that it was his. He told me that it could be, but he wasn't sure. He said that his grandmother was already very upset with everything that was going on between him and this other girl and now this girl was adding more to the fire.
We made plans to see each other after I got out of Bible study. Later that night I go to see him and his aunt told me he was with the girl. His aunt and I sat and talk for a bit and she told me that she didn't think he was over her and that she didn't think that he should be talking to anyone at this point because she didn't think that he was clear about what he wanted.
After I picked my face up off the ground and left, I talked with him the next day. I asked him what went on with him and her and he said they just talked. I asked him was he going to move back in with her and he said no. That same night I was supposed to go and see him, but he called me and told me that he was going to visit his grandmother because she wanted to have a talk with him. I have not heard from him since that was about a week ago. He didn't return any of my calls or text messages, so I assumed that I was cast out. Even though I was very disappointed, I left him a message saying that I wished him the best and that I would pray for him.
Answer:
Let me see: You were interested in a young man who got at least two women pregnant within a few months of each other. There was something about him that made one girl throw him out of her house twice. (Perhaps because he was seeing other women while living with her?) He claims it was her fault, but he did return once to her bed for a period of time before he got thrown out again. When the second woman shows up, he also blames her for causing him problems. He claims that he's changed, but it has only been a month and you accepted his word without evidence. You only know about the two women he got pregnant. You have no clue how many more women he's been bedding. We can add to this that since he still lives with his family between women that he doesn't make enough money to support himself, let alone a family. Of course, now that at least two women had children by him, they can sue for child-support and garnish what little he makes in an attempt to support the children he has left behind.
My dear, are you that desperate or just crazy? If your girlfriend told you she was thinking about dating such a man, won't you be telling her to run for the hills? If your future daughter started seeing such a guy, wouldn't you be telling her "Over my dead body!" Yet, as the evidence piles up that he's trash, you keep wanting to see him. You deserve a better man than this! You need a man who earns your respect, not a man who wallows in the mud of his own making.
From your example, I would say that the problem is the type of men you are picking to date. You need to be more selective and when you find that you got a loser to cut your losses instead of trying to make a bad situation work. Don't blame yourself for this man's problems. He's the one making children out of wedlock. You don't need to take on his problems.
Question:
I'm not crazy nor desperate. But, you are right about the fact that I need to learn how to pick better and learn how to cut my losses when I see that the guy is a loser. When I'm not discouraged about the situation, I do think to myself that the guy walking away from me is for the best. I don't have the best past and I have certainly come a long way, so I guess that's what makes me pick the wrong person. I don't want to pick someone who may not have done the things that I've done and I'm afraid if they find out, then they won't want to be with me because of it. I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I'm afraid of. But please don't get me wrong, I do very well for myself. I really want someone who loves God and wants to have a godly relationship with me.
Answer:
I didn't figure you were crazy or desperate, so I encourage you not to act that way. Your past makes it easier to pick the wrong guy because it is what you are familiar with, but your past isn't forcing you to pick the wrong guys. If you want to have a godly man, then you need to start with good material. Don't defeat yourself before you start by saying no good man would want you. That's foolishness. Good people look at who a person is, not who she used to be. Sure, you might run into some rejection for a variety of reasons, but it isn't that you can't handle rejection, you've had plenty of rejections from the bad guys (which is a good thing). But if you aim for a good man, you are more likely to end up with a good man.
Response:
Thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it.
