Where should I live?
Question:
Hi,
I found your question and answer page and have been reading sermons and many of the answers you have replied with. I am struggling with a problem that is weighing very heavy on my heart and mind.
My husband and I currently are living in separate homes about 10 minutes apart. It has absolutely nothing to do with any wrongs either of us has made. We talk every day and see each other almost every day.
This all started when I became the caregiver for my parents who fell ill. For two years, I was constantly taking my parents to the hospital, doctor appointments, and was sleeping on their couch on and off in order to assure they would be taken care of. My mother passed unexpectedly, which was an extremely hard situation. My Dad's condition only grew worse, he had been sick for years. Even though I have several siblings within three hours of me, I was the only one close enough to care for my Dad. I lived 10 minutes away from them. I loved that I got to be here for them each and every day!
Last year, I had to take a family medical leave from work and put my Dad on hospice care, I stayed with him every day, all day long, and only stepped outside for air every now and then.
My husband and I have been together for over twenty years, and have pretty much grown up mentally together raising a daughter. He would come by and visit and help when I needed him, which I absolutely adored. He went through the same thing with his dad not even a year into our marriage, so he could relate. The only difference being his mom did not want anyone to help with his dad but my husband and hospice. We were only allowed to visit by her schedule or request.
The thing that is bothering me is that after my dad passed, my sisters have left money from his and my mom's estate, and I promised to keep his home going -- my childhood home! I can't find the strength to leave this house and return home with my husband like we once were. I have inherited an inside cat and dog that my husband is not so fond of, even though we have our own inside cat. There have been a few times that I have taken the dog and stayed for a week, but it doesn't feel the same -- it doesn't feel like home.
My husband and I have spoken many times about our life and living situation. He says we'll stay in my Dad's home when the family is in town so we all can be together and then in winter stay in our mobile home. So far he has not kept his end of the deal. At Thanksgiving, we let all my sisters and family stay in Mom and Dad's home. I stayed with them, he left and went home. At Christmas, my daughter's family, and my niece came to stay. My husband said he would stay and that way, we all could enjoy the kids' faces on Christmas morning. He even seemed excited, but he didn't stay. He showed up on Christmas Day after we had eaten breakfast.
He says he is comfortable with the way things are with us living in separate homes. It's kind of like we're dating again, we visit each other, we talk, we do little projects on the house here and there, but at the end of the day, he never stays with me, and very seldom do I stay with him. I feel like if I leave my Mom and Dad's home for too long, I'll not come back, and I am not only abandoning my childhood home but breaking promises to my Dad that I would take care of his home. I am not one of those people who show emotion a lot, and I hold so many things in, I hurt so bad emotionally that I feel like I could explode yet try to hold in all in! Trying to be strong for myself, my husband, my daughter, work -- just anyone and everyone I need to be a rock for.
I need some Christian advice and guidance. I don't know what to do anymore! I know this isn't the way a marriage is supposed to be, and my husband may be fine with things and likes this arrangement now, but when he does get tired of it, where am I? Why can't I go home and it feels right and like home? I am lost! I pray the Lord will lead me on the right path or just give me a sign.
Please do you have any words of guidance, hope, or help for me?
Answer:
While your husband is comfortable living separately, it is not the right situation. What I am missing is why he prefers the trailer over the house. I don't know if he just likes the quiet or prefers the bed. What I suggest is to ask him and listen to exactly what he says without interpreting his answers. My guess is that he has told you but since it isn't what you wanted to hear, you've dismissed it as not an answer.
Regardless, your place is with him. Home is where your family dwells. Structures come and go. You're hanging on to your parents' former house because you are afraid you'll start forgetting them. That isn't true. Their memory will be with you for the rest of your life. Meanwhile, there are still memories to make with your husband.
Back at the very beginning marriage was created. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 1:24). It is time to once again leave your parents.
