Should I take back my adulterous wife?
Question:
I recently discovered my wife of nearly ten years has been involved in an extra-marital affair for about a year. It came as a complete shock to me because of my complete faith in our commitment to each other. I was terribly mistaken in my trust. We have been seeing a counselor and many issues that contributed to our breakdown have come out. I recently discovered that she has not been content in our relationship for the past several years. I am beginning to question whether we are right for each other. She did choose me over the other man, but I feel her motivation for that choice may be based on her head and not her heart. Intimacy for her has been very hard and I feel that she is still harboring feelings for the other man as well as resentment for me. I am in need of encouragement and reassurance which I do feel I am getting from her. I have been so shocked not just by the affair but also by her discontent with our relationship (for so long) that I do not know where to begin. I am willing to work at this but I am not as confident that we will be able to get back to where we need to be. I guess I felt that bad influences, emotional stresses, losses, etc. over the past year or so had led to her infidelity, but now I think it goes much deeper than that. If two people have such different views of the quality of a relationship, and infidelity is present should they continue to try to reconcile.
Thank you again for your help.
Answer:
Why do you discount a choice made by sound reasoning? Especially when the Bible states that the heart is not to be trusted? "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26).
I don't know the reasons your wife decided to stay with you and work things out. But if you keep holding back your commitment to the marriage, those issues will grow instead of becoming resolved.
God has always hated divorce. ""For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously"" (Malachi 2:16). Even when He gave permission to divorce with the right to remarry because of adultery, it was an allowance, not a demand. The wording of Matthew 19:9 indicates a sinful state that is not repented of. So given that your wife has repented of her sins and wants to work on the marriage, then as a Christian, it is your obligation to forgive her and also repair the breach. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).
Response:
Thank you so much for your words. It is amazing to me how what you said was exactly what I needed to hear. Doubt is such a destructive thing and it was beginning to challenge my resolve. Your thoughts helped me remember that the choice you spoke of is not just deciding to stay together, but also the choice to marry her and make her my wife in the first place. I am going to try to focus on my commitment and obligation to her and God and not on my doubts. Thank you again.
