Should I separate myself from my transgender dad?
Question:
Dear Minister,
I have family problems and need advice from a neutral person. I’m 15 years old.
Last Sunday, my older siblings (who are in their early to mid-20s) came home for church and dinner. We spend every Sunday together, along with their spouses and children, since they live in our neighborhood.
After dinner, our father told us he needed to share something important. He said he is a trans woman and that he and our mother would be getting a divorce. Our mother was crying and said nothing. My sister-in-law asked my nephews and nieces to play outside, while my siblings and I stayed with our parents. My siblings were very upset. I was in shock and let the others speak. My older siblings told our father that they would never accept him as a woman or as a mother. They said he is their father, and if he acts like a woman or starts dressing as one, he won’t be part of their lives until he repents. Then they left with their spouses and children.
I remained alone with my parents. I’m still a minor, so I feel stuck in this situation and can’t distance myself completely like my siblings. I also don’t want anything to do with my father if he goes through with this. I asked him that if they divorce, I would prefer if he left sole custody to my mother and gave up visitation rights, because I cannot accept this. I told him he’s either my father or not my parent at all.
He said nothing, but my mother reproached me, saying I still need to respect him as my father, regardless of what‘s going on between them. I don’t know how to respect or obey him when he has ruined his marriage, our relationship, and will be dressing and acting as a woman. I won’t call him Mom, and I will never pretend that he is a woman. I don’t want him to embarrass me at school by showing up dressed as a woman. I don’t want people to speak badly about our family. I asked him why he did this, given that he goes to church every Sunday. He said he does it for our family, because it‘s important to my mother and their children. He said he‘s an atheist.
What should I do? Is it a sin to distance myself from him? I have lost all respect for him. I’m ashamed to be associated with him. I’m mourning, and I resent him. I feel sad for my mother, who devoted her life to him and did nothing to deserve this. Do you think a judge will listen if I say I don’t want my father to have custody of me? Will I be forced to visit him? I don’t want to sin. I want to obey God, even if it‘s very difficult. If there is a way to keep my distance from my father without sinning, please let me know. If there isn’t, please advise me on how to cope with this emotionally, if possible. I feel like I lost him to death. I want my father back.
Thank you for listening,
Answer:
I'm very sorry you have to deal with a situation like this at your age.
First, you are correct in your position. Your dad is lying and essentially demanding that everyone around accept his lies and join him in denying the truth. Regardless of how he dresses or even if he undergoes surgery to alter his appearance, he remains a male. See What Does the Bible Say About Transgenderism? Sadly, to avoid conflict with his religious beliefs, he decided to deny his faith. When a person knows what is right and purposely chooses to deny the truth, there isn't anything you can say that will change his mind. "For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame" (Hebrews 6:4-6). This doesn't mean he can't decide to change, but instead, this passage warns you and me that we won't be able to convince him from the Scriptures because he has turned his back on the truth.
Second, your mother is wrong. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth" (Ephesians 6:1-2). Your father is no longer in the Lord; he isn't even accepting reality. Honor the man he used to be, but you cannot give honor to a man in his sins. Talk to him politely, but you don't have to have him in your life. I can understand your sorrow because the man he used to be has spiritually died. Like your siblings, be clear that when he repents, you will accept him back, but not before then.
In the state where you live, there isn't a set age at which a child can decide their living arrangements. However, the courts do listen to older minors (who you are) who show maturity and good reasoning, especially in explaining why you don't want to live with your father and why you will do better in your mother's home. Typically, a year before your majority, the states stop dictating where you must live. You might talk to your siblings and see if you could move in with one of them if dealing with your parents becomes too much.
