Should I apologize or move on?
Question:
I'm 19 and I was in a relationship with a girl. I love her so much, but I do not know if she is the right girl for me. I believed that God sent me this girl because no matter what happened, we stayed together for more a year now.
Last night we broke up because I used a slang term on her to scold her because she lied to me, saying she had to study, but she was watching a TV series. I got hurt thinking she ignored me, and the TV series was more important to her. She could have told me that she is going to watch the series, done so, and not lied.
When she is with her friends I feel so left out because she never spends time with me, to go out and all, but she always has time for her friends. I, at times, feel I'm being ignored. Maybe I'm jealous that she's with them a lot, and when I see all my other friends get to go out with their girlfriends, I feel sad. If she can go out with her friends, she can also go out with me I think. She says she needs to concentrate and study when I ask her out, or she says she is scared. I'm losing hope at times.
Is this the girl sent for me by God? Or just I got attracted? Please pray for me. I need an answer from God. After last night I do not know. Should I go apologize and invite her into my life, or just let her be and be broken up with her and move on with life?
I always think she ignores me, so I scolded her. We break up, and she comes and says sorry. We get together but yesterday got out of hand because I really couldn't bear it. I wanted her to be faithful to me, and I was really sad. Now she just dumped me and went.
I do not have many close friends. I was always a loner. Nobody liked me, and I hardly had anyone to talk with. Only people who had problems came to me for help. I'm always willing to help, so this amazing turn in my life was this girl. It is really very hard for me to let go. We met on Facebook. Yes, we have met in real life too a few times. We feel so close, but we keep fighting and having arguments. If she was sent by God, we would not be fighting like this I guess. I just want to clear my head before I go ask her to come back or just let it be and move on.
Please pray for me. I'm always a mess.
Answer:
It is a popular myth to claim that God has picked out one particular person to be your life partner. The problem is that God has never said He works in this fashion. What you find in the Bible is extensive teaching on how to choose a good wife or husband. The choice of whether you follow God's advice or not is your own.
Now, I do believe God helps us by answering our prayers. You can pray for help in finding a good woman to be at your side and ask God for the wisdom to recognize such a woman when you meet her. Such requests are reasonable because you would not be trying to push your responsibilities off on God, you are only asking for help.
One of the things I tell people constantly is that when you look at a person as a potential spouse, you need to look at who they are and not who you want them to be. So let's look at who she is. You tell me that she argues with you a lot. She indicates by her actions that other things are more important to her than you. The things she places in higher regard are trivial things, such as television. And then there is the fact that she is willing to lie to you to make herself appear better than she really is. Is that the type of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Of course, I don't know how much you are contributing to these problems. Having only one side's side leaves me guessing. If you do decide that this relationship isn't going where it should, then learn from it. Think about the things you can do better and what you need to be aware of as you meet other women. One of the reasons men and women need to take some time in deciding who they want to marry is because most of us make quite a few mistakes before we realize who we should be looking for in a spouse.
My suspicion is that you became infatuated with this particular girl because she gave you the attention that you haven't experienced before. I also suspect that the relationship lasted this long more because you two did not spend a lot of time together so there weren't a lot of opportunities for reality to set in.
If things are not working out between you and this girl, it would be a mistake to hold on simply because you don't have anyone else at the moment. Right now you are 19. The average person currently doesn't get married until their late twenties (which I think is too long, but that is a different problem). Your world isn't going to crumble because this relationship didn't work. It doesn't mean you are too old to find another woman. It is past time to come out of your shell. Go to places where there are people who have interests similar to your own. Go to church, go to get-togethers, make yourself available. It is by learning to socialize that you will gain opportunities to meet someone special.
And, yes, you should apologize. Not in order to get back together -- that would be an insincere apology. You should apologize because it was rude of you to call another person names simply because you weren't getting your way. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29). If you apologize because you want to get back together, then you are only doing it for your own profit. You need to apologize because you were wrong and not expect anything in return.
Question:
Thanks a million! Your message helped me a lot.
I did go say sorry and she came back to me. It was not my intension at all. I thought of giving her some time alone. If it was meant to be or if she really loves me she'll come back, but as soon as I said sorry she was OK and came back to me.
But as I read further I feel like what you said is right. We never spend time together, other than phone conversations. And I've got to know her through Facebook only. If I want to see her, I have to go see her while she is going to classes or something like that. She does say she loves to spend time together, but she says she is scared, so it just leaves me to wonder what to do.
I thought of staying away from her for a while until she can really get committed and is willing to spend time with me. I really do not know whether I want to live with a woman like this or not, but her words are too sweet. She always says she needs me, asks me to be with her always, and I do not feel like hurting her.
I always ask God to guide me. I asked Him to guide me through this also and I believe He is guiding me through you. This message of yours meant a lot to me. Thank you so much for your precious time and effort in trying to help me. I am not going to work yet, but as soon as I get a job my first salary I will send to your mission. God bless you.
Answer:
I'm glad the advice helped. I certainly am not doing this for the money, I answer questions solely because I enjoy helping people come to know God's way better.
Waiting a bit is not a bad idea if she isn't ready to make a commitment. It will give you time as well. If you are serious about looking for a wife, it is time to get serious about getting ready to support a family. It takes time and effort to get used to earning a living and monitoring your expenses. You certainly don't want to wait until after you're married to start wondering how to pay the rent.
What you need to do is ask her out to dinner, a movie, or something else that is public. It doesn't have to be real often at the beginning, but if you two are interested in each other, then you need more face-to-face time. I strongly suggest that you don't start talking about marriage until you see if you get along with each other well in person. It is too easy to fake things when you can't see the other person.
If she continues to avoid seeing you, then I would suggest that you take the hint and look for someone else.
