My husband, who is an addict, left me. What do I do?
Question:
I read the answer you gave regarding the woman who was still bitter as her husband left and she was still angry toward her mother-in-law although she had passed away. I wonder about my own situation and how your answers here apply.
My husband left me and my two infants. Shortly after we married he exclaimed, "I hate you." As far as I know, he believes Jesus is the Son of God and His Savior. He admits to having used sex to manipulate me and that he's an addict. But then he blames me for everything in the next breath. For years I have been dumbfounded. Beating myself up and likewise taking his verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. It's as if he didn't regard me as a person. But then every couple of months the man I'd hope to see emerged momentarily.
When he left this last time it was shortly after a big bout of drinking. He would resume behavior like complete silence, obvious anger, withholding affection, threatening to quit his job immediately, talking with drug-using friends for hours, and neglecting to help me at all with our infants. He'd withhold money and his feelings and any form of intimacy. I asked him to get help for the drinking since this was something I feared regarding safety for my family. He looked at me with a sincere face and left. He went on a bender at his mom's in the next state. I didn't know where he went. He showed up days later angrier than ever and I dialed 911. He's been gone since.
His mother (a self-proclaimed alcoholic and abusive to my husband as a child) hates me and it's obvious. She now comes to court dates and stares me down. What have I done? And what can I do? He left me for his mother! This isn't the first time. She is even fighting for visitation so my children travel every weekend to the next state to spend a day driving to be with her the next day (not him as he'll work) and then drive back the day after. The judge denied it. Praise God. I just don't know what to do.
I read the Lord's Word and pray for wisdom (James chapter 1). I always spend time at the pastor's house as his wife and I are friends as well as our infants. I'm a part of a Bible-believing church and am secure in my salvation.
How should I act around my husband? I am not realistic about my situation as I wish I could just hug him when we exchange kids next. He hates me more than he loves me. And now he lives with his mom who is mixed up about the Lord -- calling Him "she", listening to Hindu chants, etc. She smokes pot and buys it from my husband's friend. I am bitter toward her for not helping us by telling my husband to go home. Instead, she clings to him just as he does her. I worry my husband will never return. I guess I just have to see what the Lord will do. I've been saved since he left. And I've been corrected when I was hearing another Jesus being preached and taught with God's Word. I see why this separation is worth it. I have eternal security in my Lord! But now how to love those who hate me specifically when I want him to love me and accept my love?
Thank you for your time.
Answer:
Your husband is addicted to alcohol and drugs. So is your mother-in-law. Every attribute you give of your husband is that of someone on drugs. There would be no reason to leave the children with either one of them. I would not allow children to be placed in such a risky situation.
I would suggest that you file for separation and make it clear to your husband that you will welcome him back after he proves he is no longer using drugs or alcohol. As part of the separation, make sure you have full custody of the children and request no unmonitored visitation for the children for safety reasons. If you have reason to believe he is committing adultery, file for divorce instead.
Such steps should be avoided, but he has already left and there is a need to protect the children. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
The reason your husband and mother-in-law prefer each other's company is simple. They both use, so neither one is going to tell the other they are wrong for using.
