My husband was into pornography. He’s stopped, but I have no respect for him. What do I do?
Question:
I am not sure who I am writing to here, but if there is anyone on that side please help me! I am married for almost ten years. I have kids. I am a stay-at-home wife and home school. My husband and I are both born-again Christians. My husband is gentle and kind, he will do anything for our friends and family. He helps with the cleaning and bathing of our children and much, much more. He is loved by many. The problem though is he had a problem with pornography for several years and now has been delivered and really is as clean as a whistle. Recently, however, he "what's upped" a girl out of the blue and said, "just off the record you're pretty." Her sister told me this and that is how I came to find out.
My husband promised never to keep things from me ever again but he has. Is he headed for an affair? What should I do when he hurts me like this so many times? I am a very cheeky person, and I am very conservative. Am I pushing him away?
Answer:
I have no idea. What your husband said was not appropriate, but that is all that needs to be said about the matter. To expect that if someone plans on sinning that they will tell you about it is not reasonable. You're going to have to trust him unless you have evidence that he is not trustworthy. Then you talk to him in a calm way and ask him to explain why he is behaving as he is.
Question:
Thank you for your response.
Yes, what you told me to do I have done. In a calm way, we sat and spoke and he was very truthful. He said he did what he did to get a response -- not with anything else in mind but to get a reaction.
When I got married I thought it was all just straightforward. I thought once vows are said it is all solid. I didn't know men had such a strong desire for the opposite sex. I sure don't. If I saw another man naked I'd run in disgust screaming.
I have a few issues: Since my discovery of my husband's past struggle, I have never been the same and can't feel safe. I am hard on him with everything. He can't seem to do anything right. I disrespect him often when I feel insecure. I downplay him in front of his children. I use my words to cut him down and degrade him. He responds always with gentleness, guilt, hurt and much love. I want to give up because I feel it is all impossible. My husband told me he was wrong and should not have done what he has done.
I took your advice and am trying not to think of what could have happened because it didn't, but it is hard. Why don't I pack up in case one day he should mess up?
Lastly does praying for marriage really work? I feel this Christian home is falling apart and there are few people dependant on us. This family has got a very tough time back round. We have struggled with some very hard trials. We have lost our home during the recession. We had no home for two years. We have often gone to bed having no food. This would cause my husband great distress because I was pregnant. There have been two miscarriages. We have moved a large number of times trying to make it. My husband would always somehow make a plan for us. Recently his bosses just stopped paying him and we had nothing! Our children know hunger and have with me very often sat in utter darkness. My husband had to leave that job and was unemployed until just last week. In that week he sent that young lady that message. I'm thinking if I could stand by him through every hard day. We would pray for hours as once again we were handed an eviction notice. My husband broke down and said he is a complete and utter failure. When my kids and I would be starving, I would often walk with them for hours on the plot we live on to keep them from feeling their little tummies hungry. So, yes, we have had a lot of hardship. But God would always come through, and I would always tell my husband that I believed he will make it and get us out because he is a hard worker and smart. So now you are able to see why this latest incident has rocked me and the timing is so bazaar. When I told my husband this he said, "There is no right time for sin. It is always wrong to do what I have done." Yes, he has apologized.
Well, I will end there and this will be my last letter, but as someone who is a stranger, please, do you think I should preserve it?
Answer:
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).
The Lord's command is not an option for Christians and there are no exceptions for someone close to you. Your husband was wrong, and he has owned up to his fault. For your soul's sake, forgive him. It doesn't mean he won't struggle again with this sin. Satan's found a weak point and he'll try to exploit it. Be watchful to protect your husband and your family, out of your love for both.
In both of your letters, you told me of many of your husband's fine qualities. Yet, at the same time, you claim to say nothing but disrespectful things to him. Isn't that being a hypocrite? Acting one way with him and differently in front of others?
Your husband has his flaws, which it sounds as if he is working on correcting. May I suggest that his best friend should be working on her flaws as well? You enumerated them, so it isn't that you are unaware of the areas you need to work on.
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).
See Love Is ... for details about what each of these means.
"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).
See him for the man he is and not as a continuation of all his past mistakes.
Love hopes, but it appears you expect failure and it is quite possible you'll end up making failure happen because that is what you expect. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the best thing is to focus on where you are going and not on where you have been. "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).
Response:
Your email helped me. The Holy Spirit is at work in our lives and homes. I have done a quick crash course on Christian men and what they need, feel, and all else. Then and there it was like God my Father revealed my life and heart. Great fear and shame engulfed me as I realized I was running away from my husband than to him. All that disrespect, anger, withholding, and putting down! How did I think I was right for so many years? And he still remained faithful. But deep in his heart, he was one very lonely man.
Well, I apologized to him and sought his and Christ's forgiveness. In just a few days I have seen the Lord transform my marriage. The Lord also has been blessing our home greatly in many ways. I could have lost a good, upright and loving husband but God in His mercy allowed me to see who the real problem was. Well, may the God of peace and comfort bless your ministry. I still do not know what this is. I just typed a question and a letter appeared. I thought it was a very harsh answer, but it was honest. I was so desperate when I wrote too!
Well, hope to meet you in Glory one day!
