My husband doesn’t tell me anything until the last moment
Question:
I was searching for questions and answers regarding marriage online, and I found your site very interesting. I am a Christian too, and I have a question.
My husband and I have been married for over ten years. My husband is good in so many aspects, but in communication with me, he is not as open with me as I would expect him to be. For example, he will not discuss with me family matters and finances. Whatever he thinks he will do. For example, one Sunday I was getting ready to go to church. My husband was sleeping and a half hour before services he woke up, got ready, and then told me that he had to be there in ten minutes. If he could have told me beforehand, I would have got ready faster. So he left and went with the children, texting me to take a local conveyance and come to church. I felt very upset. I did not go to church that Sunday. In every aspect, he is doing things like this. He goes on a business trip and from there he goes to see his parents, but he doesn't tell me until just before he leaves. If I ask him why don't you tell me beforehand, he says what difference does it make if I tell you or not. I don't have any answer and I feel upset.
He is very active in the church. Is it OK for a Christian to be like this and active in church activities? If I am not well, he doesn't take good care of me. He brings medicines and all, but if he hears that anyone he knows is not well, he will go and help them and find out what is needed and even helps them with their finances. I am not complaining about this, but I just want to know is it OK for a Christian to do so?
These days we hardly speak. If I ask anything, he gets restless. He doesn't want to answer me. Every time we have a misunderstanding and are not on good terms with each other, I am the only one who will go and talk with him; he will never come to me. I don't know why. When it comes to sex, we both sleep in different rooms. He sleeps with kids and I sleep alone. For that also I have to go to him. During sex he is OK but when the next day comes, he hardly talks with me. I don't say that I am perfect but I can't make out where I am going wrong. Sometimes I feel very frustrated. This communication gap has been there our entire marriage. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to go away from him. Can you please help me with what to do in these situations?
Answer:
You missed an opportunity when your husband left you behind. If you had gone, coming in late, when people asked why you didn't come with your husband you could have just said he wouldn't wait for you and you had to find your own way to church. It would have embarrassed him to be seen as a man who could not take care of his own wife.
I can't really help because I don't know your husband's side of the story. Since you repeatedly state that you don't know why he is doing these things, it only leaves me to vague guesses.
I can say that other times when I've seen similar situations, two things are happening. One is that the man does tell the wife what is bothering him, but since it isn't what she expects, she dismisses it thinking it has to be something deeper. A lot of women don't realize that men are fairly simple and very direct. They have a tendency to say exactly what they mean and no more.
This then leads to the other problem which I suspect happens in your marriage as well. The wife hounds the husband to find out what is going on. Actually, from the wife's point of view, it is merely how any woman learns what is going on. Dozens of questions are asked from different viewpoints and subtle shades of wording. You can see this whenever a group of women gathers to discuss any issue. The issue is thoroughly discussed from all viewpoints and then it is tabled for later discussion. The result is usually the best answer, but sometimes it takes so long to find it that by the time it is determined, it is too late. Men operate differently. They look for the most efficient answer. It might not be the best, but if it gets done, then it is good enough. Watch a group of men solve a problem and you'll notice that very little is said and what is said is straight to the point.
Thus, the man feels he is not respected because his wife keeps questioning his decisions after he makes them. But the wife feels like the husband is not listening to her because he doesn't discuss all the options with her.
I suspect that your husband is avoiding long discussions with you by simply avoiding you. If something comes up that he knows you won't like, he holds off mentioning it until the last moment because then he can leave and not hear his decision questioned. I wouldn't be surprised if you spend time talking after you go to bed if he is around because that was the only time you could trap him, so he took the pragmatic way of getting some sleep.
Neither one of you is handling the situation well. But the solution is to understand how the other person thinks and functions and use that as an advantage. You have to stop treating him as if he is one of your women friends. He has to be willing to give you opportunities to consider what is going on. You have to accept that the first thing he says is what he means, whether you agree or not. You can still express your view, but realize that it needs to be to the point. Such takes a lot of work on both of your parts.
