I’ve been living with my boyfriend, but I can’t get him to even discuss marriage. What do I do?
Question:
I have been in a relationship for almost two years. We've been living together almost like other married couples. But in all this time I never heard any plan nor talk about our future. Sometimes I get hurt when he talks about something good in his future, but he only says "me" and not "us." I really love my boyfriend, and I do pray to God that He will give me this guy as my future husband -- a guy who will propose to me, meet my family and bring me to the altar. What I wanted to hear is that he has some plan for us as a couple. I'm not pushing him to get married to me, by the way.
We are from two different countries, but we have the same religion (Christian), and we believe in one God. I know we have different cultures, but I'm ready to adapt to his culture, except for food. Let's say I'm almost eating what he does, though he doesn't like most of my culture's foods. But it's OK. I'm ready to adjust to everything as long as our religion is the same. I used to tell him when I heard someone was getting married, but he just says, "good for them." It is making me upset because I was trying to get him to open up about whether he wants to get married.
Yesterday we were talking over the Internet and he said that "He will bring his wife and have two children" in order to get benefits from his country. I don't know what to think at the time, so I just told him, "OK, do that." By those words is he talking about me as his wife? I don't mind if that was a joke or not, but those words are clear. Am I right?
I need your words of advice and encouragement. I really don't know what to do because sometimes I want to talk to him if he doesn't have any plan for our future together. I don't want to leave him, and I don't want to give up. All I wanted is to hear from him something that makes me feel that he is dreaming about our future together.
Please help. I really appreciate your kind words. Thanks a lot.
God bless.
Answer:
There is a problem when someone desperately wants a particular answer. They think they are asking a question, but the truth is that they are demanding the answer they want to hear. When people try to do that to God, He doesn't fight them. He lets them believe whatever they want. "And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie, that they all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness" (II Thessalonians 2:11-12).
You are not married. The man you are committing fornication with doesn't want to talk about marriage. He really has no need. He has a woman to take care of him and whom he can have sex with whenever he wants, and whom he can walk away from without regret at any time because he has made no commitment to her. But you have your dreams. You want them so badly that you are willing to twist the slightest phrase to mean what you want to hear.
Like your pretense at marriage, you both pretend to be Christians. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You may call yourselves Christians, but you do not behave like Christians.
You should be upset with him. He is acting exactly as any worldly male acts. You claim you want to be married, but you gave him everything a wife gives in marriage without obligation. Why should he marry you? What reason would make it worth tying himself down?
Now, if you made it this far through my scolding you, I would like to offer you the best advice I know. Tell him you love him, but that you cannot continue sinning against God. Move back home or somewhere you can stay for a time, and tell him that when he is ready to have you as his wife and marries you, then you will joyfully return to him. You will soon find out whether what you imagined was there really exists or not. I hope you won't be disappointed, but you also need to be prepared to find your hopes shattered.
Meanwhile, you need to straighten up your life with the Lord. Instead of just calling yourself a Christian, you need to really become one. See How to Become a Christian. Only by actually following the Lord is there a hope of reaching the eternal home.
Question:
Hi!
Just read your mail and thank you so much for your kind response. While I was reading I wanted to cry, and I feel so nervous, but why is that so? I don't know if I have the guts to tell him as you suggested. What if he never comes back to me? Would that mean he doesn't love me that much and doesn't want me to be his wife? How will I tell him your advice? Please tell me exactly what move I have to do. Thank you so much.
Answer:
I did tell you what I believe you need to do. Continuing your sin isn't going to get what you want. I think what I find particularly sad is your certainty that he doesn't care enough about you to marry you. Yes, if he would let you go, then he definitely doesn't love you. As hard as that would be to face, knowing it would be better than living a lie.
