I am planning on engaging my girlfriend, God willing, in a few months, though I haven't told her obviously. But I have a nagging feeling in my heart. I don't know whether it's fear or what it is. So I prayed to God asking Him if it's His will I marry this gal. I wrote down two small papers with yes and no and after prayers, I picked "no" two times.
My question is: Is this God's will or am I being juvenile? I love this woman deeply and I wouldn't mind her being my wife. Actually I am looking forward to that day. She and I have come closer to Christ after we met. Kindly help me because I am so confused and, to be honest, I don't have the energy to start over again. Is this God's will?
God's will is written out for us in His book, the Bible. In it, He stated that it isn't good for a man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). He gave men and women instructions on how to choose a good mate (Proverbs 31 and Song of Solomon are two examples). Yet that doesn't seem to be enough.
I suspect that you, like others, don't enjoy being responsible for the decisions that you make. You try to push the choice off on God. If you decide not to marry this woman and you are miserable, will that be God's fault or your own? If you decide to marry this woman and you find your life a misery, will that be God's fault or your own?
In picking the papers, what you are attempting to do is force God to answer you. There have been times in the past when God told men to cast lots, such as when Joshua was directed to Achan as the cause of Israel's lost in Joshua 7. If you think about the odds that casting of lots would lead to one particular man, you realize that God was using this to demonstrate His power. There are other times when two directions looked equally good to the people involved, so lots were cast with the prayer that God would aid, such as in the selecting of a replacement for Judas (Acts 1:23-26). But none of these circumstances apply to your situation. God doesn't direct people to use lots today, and in this case, you are not deciding between two equal choices.
Most fears come facing the unknown. You don't know what marriage will be like since you have not been married before. And the future is always scary because you don't know what the future holds. "So I perceived that nothing is better than that a man should rejoice in his own works, for that is his heritage. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?" (Ecclesiastes 3:22). It is foolish to even try. "A fool also multiplies words. No man knows what is to be; Who can tell him what will be after him?" (Ecclesiastes 10:14). You can't let fear rule your life. God says that marriage is a good thing when you have a good wife beside you. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD" (Proverbs 18:22). You act as if you doubt God when you question whether you should marry.
There are going to be hard times as well as good times in marriage. What makes a good marriage is not finding the perfect spouse. If it were so, no one would marry you because you are not perfect. Actually, no one is perfect, so you would think that everyone would be miserable in a marriage -- but they are not! What makes a marriage work is how hard two people are willing to make the marriage happy despite all the hard times. If both you and she are willing to give it your all, then you will be happy.
Thank you so much so I disregard the papers and move forward with faith?
You move forward with the best decision you can make, accept that you are responsible for that decision, and have faith that God will make everything that you can't handle or foresee work out for the best in your life -- even if you didn't make the absolutely perfect decision. So far you haven't indicated that you are making a bad decision; thus, I don't see a concern in that realm.