I’m suffering OCD when it comes to baptism
Question:
I have a question. I am pretty sure I am suffering from OCD when it comes to baptism. I have been baptized multiple times because I did not think my repentance was genuine enough and because I was learning more about baptism. I originally came from a Baptist denomination. My friend, whom I met in college, explained to me that baptism was required for salvation. I started going to a church of Christ with him, which I still attend to this day, and I didn't know all that much about baptism. We eventually stopped talking for a while, we got back in touch, and I started going with him again.
One day on the way to church, I had a feeling come over me. I started to feel like something was wrong because of a sin I committed that I told my friend about when I was a Baptist. As soon as we got there, I told him I wanted to be baptized. My knowledge at this point was just that baptism saves, and it needed to be done. At that time, I didn't understand that it was when you come into contact with the blood, or you get added to the Lord's body.
A year later, a gospel meeting was taking place, and the preacher was talking about whether your baptism was pleasing to the Lord. He went through all the reasons, as if you knew it was required for salvation. I started to doubt whether I truly understood that, so I got baptized again. Then another doubt came about whether I truly repented before that baptism. So I got baptized again, and then another one came: whether I understood that it actually added me to the Lord's body and that there is only one church.
Throughout all these baptisms, I felt like I had to start the whole process over again, starting with repentance, even though I tried my best to stay away from sin the first time. In the most recent baptism I had, I finally understood everything. Contact with the blood, remission of sins, added to the body, the act itself doesn't save without faith, etc. But sometimes I still feel like my repentance wasn't genuine enough to receive forgiveness, and that I am still lacking in some way. I definitely know that I didn't want to sin anymore at any of my baptisms, and I try not to even though I fail every day at it. Sometimes I wish I understood all this before I got baptized the first time.
Sorry for over-explaining everything, I didn't want to leave anything out.
Answer:
Like everyone else who suffers from OCD, you are seeking to eliminate all risks regarding your salvation. Doing what God said is not sufficient; you feel that everything must be done perfectly. However, I doubt that you could prove your position from the Scriptures or that you even tried. You base your decisions on your feelings rather than on what God said.
No new Christian fully understands what it means to be a Christian or even fully grasps what baptism represents. Everyone grows. "Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord" (I Peter 2:1-3). My incomplete understanding of what baptism represents does not invalidate my action. Instead, I can look back and more fully appreciate God's plan.
When I first got my driver's license, I am positive that I did not fully understand all the requirements or the reasoning behind the various rules of the road. Now that I'm older, I appreciate the improved safety that those rules give, but I have never gone to the government and demanded that I retake the driver's test. Even with my limited understanding, I was qualified to drive.
In the same way, when I became a Christian, I roughly knew the direction my life would now take, but I did not understand everything when I first decided to submit to Christ. I have come to appreciate what Christianity is about and the role baptism plays in the start of that life, but I don't need to restart my walk; I can carry on from where I am now. Christianity is not about being perfect but about growing toward maturity. "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen" (II Peter 3:18).
Being a Christian doesn't mean you'll never sin. No one but Christ can claim that. "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. ... If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us" (I John 1:8, 10). Instead, I'm committed to limiting my failings and to overcoming sin with God's help. It is a lifelong project, but I am dedicated to the task. "Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life" (Revelation 2:10).
When you claim that you have to do each act perfectly and with a perfect mindset, you are essentially approaching salvation as a task that you must do to earn God's favor. We have to obey God, but in that obedience, we all understand that we are not earning salvation. We can't. We are too flawed. "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast" (Ephesians 2:4-9). My obedience is honoring God by yielding to His commands. It is not about my value but about His marvelous gift. "So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, 'We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done'" (Luke 17:10).
Therefore, trust God. Trust that He keeps His promise to those who obey Him.
