I’m stuck in a cycle of shame and guilt
Question:
Dear sir,
I have visited prostitutes in the past. I repent each day to our Lord for my fallacies. I never plan or think about paying for sex again in my life nor of falling back into the pornography trap.
I seem to be stuck in a cycle of shame and guilt. I am speaking to a qualified therapist for the same.
Recently I met a righteous Christian girl who matches my criteria of a good life partner. I fell in love with her and she too loves me but my life seems to have turned upside down. Not a single day goes by when I don't think about what I did in my past. Some days I want to confess to her about my sexual sins, but I get cold feet because I'm scared of losing her.
I am in a very delicate situation in my life. I pray to God every day and ask for forgiveness but things are getting worse for me. I cry out to God each day in my prayers, and I am crying very easily these days.
What should be my course of action from here?
I look forward to your guidance.
Many thanks.
Answer:
You can't live in your past. Yes, it is appropriate to be embarrassed about your past sins. It is normal to feel guilty that you were foolish enough to have committed them. However, you can't change the past. Consider how Paul handled his past:
"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life" (I Timothy 1:12-16).
Paul focused on the fact that he knew God had forgiven him of his sins. That is a part of belief. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:9). By hanging on to your guilt, you are basically saying that you don't trust in God's forgiveness. Instead of constantly asking God for forgiveness, start praising God for His forgiveness.
Paul also realized that his past became an example to others that sin can be overcome. He was thankful that God allowed him to live long enough that he was able to change before it was too late.
Everyone has a past. Your girlfriend has one as well. If she can't accept that you became the man you are by overcoming sin, then she isn't good enough for you. She doesn't need to know the details, but you should tell her that you have a past that you are not proud of but she should know it had happened. Tell her that you aren't a virgin and that at one time you had paid for sex. Then emphasize that you've left all that behind for Christ. She doesn't need to know how many times or with whom. You might mention how long ago it happened so she knows you have really changed.
The reason for telling her is not because she needs to forgive you. That is between you and God. But she does need to understand you and decide if you are the type of man she wants to marry. She needs to know both your good qualities and your bad ones. It would be unfair to her to find out about these things after she had already committed to you. She should love you despite your flaws.
