I was saved once, but I’ve sinned so much. How can I serve the Lord?
Question:
When I was 14, I was saved and born again. I immediately felt the power of the Holy Spirit enters my life. I got into the Bible, read it daily, and had a grave sensitivity to sin. I hated it. All the shows I used to enjoy I couldn't bear watching because of all the sin in it, and I had a hard time during the day at school because there was so much sin. I loved the Lord with all my heart. He was all I cared about.
Then I struggled with doubt and unbelief, so what I did was sin intentionally to see if God would convict me, and He would. That's how I knew He was there watching over me. I had an incredible lust for sin. I didn't want the truth, I wanted my sin and Christ.
One night I came under severe satanic attack and was laying on the floor with burning sensations. I then felt what I believed was the Holy Spirit's anointing go down my body and all the way out. I totally abandoned church, the ways of the Lord, totally lived a lifestyle of sin because I willfully ignored the Holy Ghost.
Now I am stuck in my sins and wonder if there is any way to get right with the Lord. I was deceived by the "once saved, always saved" teaching. I have been reaching out to Him since earlier this year but haven't really been growing and am still riddled with guilt. Unable, thus far, to stop sinning, with barely any power. What I feel I need is the Holy Spirit's anointing again, but feel I have gone too far because I have abused God by believing that I could just come back at a later date and be saved. I think about being His servant a lot. I am not really afraid of hell, even though I know I should be. I don't understand the Bible very well either anymore. If I could get some prayer that would be good. I would really like to serve the Lord with a pure heart, not a wicked one.
Answer:
Notice how you made everything about your religious beliefs center on your personal feelings. You believe you were saved because you felt saved. You believe you were lost because you felt lost. Little of what you've done is because you were conforming your life to God's teachings. "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked" (I John 2:3-6). See: Can We Trust Our Feelings About Salvation?
Because of this reliance on feelings, you did something that most Christians realize is wrong. You purposely chose to sin just to see if you would feel guilty. In your mind, you saw this as God watching out for you. But what you were doing was trying to tempt God (Luke 4:12). God doesn't play games with sin. "Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God" (Romans 8:7-8). Because you convinced yourself that God was protecting you from sin, you abandoned any restraint against sin. You never realized that each exposure to sin hardened you against the feelings of guilt.
Now you have finally realized that it isn't working out for you. You want to go back home, but you have bought into yet another of Satan's lies -- you think you are too evil to return. Convincing you of that means you won't ever change your ways.
God wants you back. "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (II Peter 3:9), but it is long past time that you did it on God's terms and not your own. "If you love Me, keep My commandments" (John 14:15). If you truly want to serve the Lord, then get up and start serving Him in righteousness. Stop this feeling sorry for yourself. Stop demanding that God has to make you feel like serving Him first.
"Therefore He says: "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light." See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is" (Ephesians 5:14-17).
