Please help. I look forward to hearing from you soon. I thank you in advance.
I feel trapped or going in a bad direction. My boyfriend and I are both Christians. We met at a training school. We kept bumping into one another, and he eventually asked me to go to church with him when we returned to our homes. We both came to the training school from the same region, but we never had seen each other before.
We had Bible study at the training school. We eventually started to eat lunch together as well. We learned more and more about one another at the training school. At the time I didn't have the same feeling for him as he seemed to have for me. I was focused and wasn't looking for anyone. I just looked at it as ministering to him.
However, we started to do more together, like talk on the phone at night. Within a month he began to tell me how he sees the Spirit of the Lord all over me, and he wanted to be a part of that. He started to become attached to me and wanted more than just a friendship. Being away from home, being asked this question several times, and hearing this topic several times, I gave in sooner than I would usually, or at least sooner than I intended.
We had strong morals and discipline. We prayed together, looked out at the water together, and we both agreed not to have sex or any intercourse before marriage. We both agreed this was the way to go; otherwise, we would be disobeying God and we can't expect Him to give us the desires of our heart if we spit in His face that way.
He started to look more and more like marriage material. As we talked it seemed that God had great things for him; I could see it. I started to fall for him more. We sailed the seas through training, and eventually, we had to depart. However, there wasn't a day we didn't communicate through e-mail. He never missed a day of contacting me, which meant a lot to me.
I prayed every night, "Lord, if this is not for me or if this is a trap from the enemy, please take me away from it." The more I prayed, the more it seemed that I was certain that this was for me. For example, we always bumped into each other. He knew exactly what to say, which usually doesn't work with me. I'm usually very hard to get. I always don't have time for nonsense. However, he came with God's word, which interested me. He slept on the floor above, right over me, which was so scary, and it also seemed like a confirmation. We would go and say the same thing -- always! It was like we shared the same thoughts. We are so alike! All this and many more seemed like confirmations. It was so many freaky things that happened that it made me feel like this guy must be for me.
We came back home after our time at sea and were able to go to church together, which was nice to see how we both acted on land. It showed both of us that we had a long way to go and lots to learn more about Christ. We agreed to do it together and individually. We also went back to training together again, which was so clear that it was God because I put in my paperwork and the lady said that there were no more openings. They told him the same. That was the end of the story, so I thought. They called him a few days before the class started, and he was able to go to class with me! Both families were excited and convinced that it couldn't have been anybody but God. We carried ourselves the same way as we did during the first round of training.
That all was just a bit of our beginnings. However, we have slipped up and had oral sex, which wasn't pleasing to God at all! We did it six or seven times. It's like we did it once, repented and I felt very disgusted about the matter, we prayed, but we kept doing it. Now I'm at the point where it's bothering my walk with Christ. I feel like I can't move forward as I want. I wonder if the Lord blesses us in our careers due to our foolishness and desire for each other. Will He bless our relationship for marriage like we want in the future? I feel like I have messed up. We have messed up. We both seem to want marriage; however, I don't know if God will take that from us because we couldn't control ourselves and tried to ride the fine line of sexual sin -- doing things that cause masturbation. We haven't had sex, but I sure feel as if we might as well have because we did it numerous times. He's the guy and seems to enjoy the relief. He knows it's wrong, but he does it because it feels good and feels like it will get him over until marriage.
I'm afraid and want to know: Can we fix this? Is there still a possibility for us in the future how can we pull together without destroying our future? Now I have thoughts like are we meant to be? Was this a trap from the enemy that I fell into? Does the Lord really want us to be together? I like him a lot now, but I still ask myself is this what God wants for me. I'm confused. Please help. I will be checking my e-mail frequently for an answer. I need clear thoughts on this situation, and it's not many with whom I can have such a personal conversation as this.
Thank you so much!
Whether you ought to marry this guy or not is a question I cannot answer for you. That is your personal choice. God gives us guidelines for making good choices in a mate, but the actual choice is up to each person. God answers prayers, but the idea that He picks just one person for each individual is false. Nothing in the Bible claims that.
What you have been doing is looking at your own personal feelings and attributing them as guidance from God. But God says He guides through the Bible. Nowhere has God ever used vague personal feelings as a way of communicating -- because such would not be a true communication.
While you felt sorry for your sins, it doesn't sound like much was done to change so that it would not happen again. I only have your side of the events, but you make it clear that while he knows it is wrong, he has no intentions of it stopping. Notice how you talk about riding the line of sexual sin. You don't want to cross over the line, so you have been allowing everything but certain things. Yet because you are trying to tread the line, you've gone beyond what you wanted to accept.
There is a reason Paul said, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). You didn't slip up when you two started engaging in oral sex and mutual masturbation. You went too far when you started touching each other in sexual ways. And even before that, you were going too far in your thoughts about each other (Mark 7:20-23). You've been sinning for quite a while in both your thoughts and behavior.
Can this be fixed? Of course. You could insist that you keep your hands where they belong and start treating each other with respect. But it won't work if he keeps pushing you toward the bed. At the rate you two are going, eventually, oral sex won't be enough. And in the heights of passion, you won't stop. It is going to take both of you putting your commitment to God and each other ahead of what your bodies want.
The other choice is to stop taunting yourselves and decide to marry. Once married sex can be freely given without a guilty conscience. But as I said, that decision has to be yours to make.