I married a man who was divorced because of his adultery. Is our marriage ok?
Question:
What do you do if you are a Christian, have a second marriage, and realize only too late that it was not the will of God? My spouse was a called man of God, but he committed adultery in his first marriage. He is no longer preaching, and I am not the other woman. I came along several years later.
We are not happy in our marriage and probably should have never married. I have no relationship with his married children or grandchildren. He does have a relationship with mine. His family has not been to see him at his home in many years. I always wondered if we were right in this marriage and in the sight of God. I thought it was ok when we first married, but I no longer think so. Just saying and wondering.
Answer:
What I find saddest is that you only started questioning the marriage after you became unhappy with your choice.
You didn't state anything about the reason you left your first marriage, so I must confine my comments to your husband. Since he was divorced because of his adultery, he had no right to a second marriage. He is still bound by the terms of his original covenant. He is in adultery in his marriage to you and you are in adultery as well. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). Your marriage is not a valid one in the sight of God. If you want to do what is right, you first need to stop the adultery by ending the marriage.
Whether you have the right to marry again depends on why you ended your first marriage and whether your first husband is still living.
Question:
This is the story as brief as I can make it. I was married for over two decades to a man who was very abusive. I was not a Christian until the later part of the marriage. He had many other women. I stayed with him through it all but fell out of love with him because of the abuse and drinking. He eventually and moved in with a woman in another town and then another woman in another state. He asked me to divorce him because he was afraid that he would be going to prison and was afraid that I would lose the house. We divorced and I stayed single without even dating at all for almost two more decades. It was just me and God.
The man that I am married to now had been married for almost two decades as well and divorced for several years when I met him. He had committed adultery, and that is why he and his wife divorced. They did live together still married for seven years (and yes still sleeping together) after the adultery was discovered. His wife met another man, took off with him, and left her husband behind.
My first husband is dead now and has been for several years. He died while living with one of the women. They were never married.
I probably had a right to remarry, not sure if my now-husband did. Please respond. Oh yes, the marriage that I am in now is not a marriage only by a paper document. We have been separated in the same house for two years. We still go to church together, but the intimate part of our marriage doesn't happen. I sleep at one end of the house and him the other. No, we don't fight, we're too old for that. We don't do anything. No kiss good-bye when he goes to work, no holding hands, and very little communication.
I'm waiting for your point of view.
Answer:
Yes, you do have the right to remarriage, if for no other reason than that your first husband is dead. Marriage covenants only last for the life of both parties (Romans 7:2-3). Yet earlier, I would wonder. You made it clear that you were content being married to an adulterer and abuser. You only divorced him because he requested it, according to your description.
Your husband's situation is not as you originally described it. Yes, he had committed adultery, but the fact that the marriage continued for another seven years is ample proof that he was forgiven by his wife, whether she wishes to claim this or not. Adultery does not automatically end a marriage, nor is there a requirement that one must divorce because of adultery. It is only an option. "The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?" And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?" He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so" (Matthew 19:3-8). The divorce occurred because his wife committed adultery. He did have the right to remarry as you are presenting it now.
You have a legitimate marriage. I don't know why you and he are sabotaging this marriage, but get busy honoring your vows.
Question:
Thank you for your input and thoughts and scripture given. They are much appreciated.
I'm sorry that I was so confusing, but I just couldn't give all the facts in the first question. Any time there is a story like this, there are so many details, you can't put three decades down in one paragraph.
I'm not sure why our marriage drifted apart unless it was because when we married my husband was in church and trying to restore his call to preach. Don't know what happened but he has quit even going to church and somewhere I lost respect for him. I will assume full responsibility. I feel like he has double standards and he knows how I feel. God has been good and as kept me all these years. My convictions are strong and I try and live a separate life from the world.
The thing that drew me to your question and answer page was your home page. I agree with you on your leadership of the way a church should be run and I just thought I would send you the question.
Thanks again.
Answer:
Don't assume responsibility for what he chooses to do. Be responsible for your own actions and choices. If you try to be responsible for his misdeeds, you'll never make progress. Too often people act only through reaction. Even if he isn't the nicest of men, you did choose to marry him. On your part, then, you keep your marriage vows. Whether he keeps up his end will be up to him. But let it be said that if the marriage fails, it won't be because of your choices.
