My husband confessed to me a couple of months ago that he had a one-night stand while overseas. Even then I knew that couldn't have been all to the story. With the help of members from our congregation, last week he was able to confess it all to me. He stated that he and a female, who knew he was married, decided to be what they called sex partners. This lasted for about a month and they slept together five times during this period.
I was destroyed. I couldn't believe and still can't understand why he had to cheat. He only had a few months left on his tour and was able to go most of that time free of cheating. Wow! Our marriage before he left was already going through a trying time and my intention was that we would work on it by trying to stay in communication by Skyping and emailing. Meanwhile, when he was there he started drinking and going out to clubs. I mean none of those who he hung around with were Christians. I would ask if he had married friends over there who were cheating and he said yes.
Around the time that he actually cheated, I guess it was an intuition thing, but I just felt weird and uneasy. I couldn't prove anything was going on, but I felt it. I even asked him, and he would get angry.
Our issue from earlier on was that I wasn't an emotional person. I loved him, but growing up, my family wasn't big on affection, so I wasn't but he was. So now I'm married and I struggled with it. He said those actions killed him inside. He was the kissy, holding hands type. I guess he built such high expectations and none of this was happening. He began to doubt my attraction toward him, and he felt alone. I apologized for this before, I guess, it was too late. So he stated those feelings came back and he didn't have that attention. But how could he? I was thousands of miles away. So he ended giving in to temptation.
I don't understand how he was able to look us in the face on Skype during the times they slept together. I can't believe he allowed sin to take him that far. The worst part is that the girl ended up pregnant. She found out after they decided to stop sleeping together because they knew it was wrong. She stated she didn't believe in abortions and kept the baby. So he knew all this, came back to the states holding all of this in. He cried when he told me that since he had been back, our marriage has been all he ever hope it could be, and that is why it was so hard for him to confess, but that he kept reminding himself that he had to tell me. So in I received a partial truth and all truth came out just last week.
I'm still crushed. We have kids together. The girl had the baby a couple of months ago. Part of the reason I'm choosing to stay is that for some reason I still have hope. I love him and our kids. This was his first time and that this wasn't anything emotional.
But what's killing me is the baby. I want nothing to do with the baby. I'm not stopping him, he can have any kind of relationship he chooses. But for the fact that I didn't make that baby and it didn't come from our union together, I want nothing of that. I know I can't erase anything, but I want my life back as normal as it can possibly be. My focus is this marriage and our kids. That baby is the consequence of his sin. I don't hate any party involved. I'm just ready to move on. He states he feels no connection to this baby as I could imagine based on the circumstance in which it came but that he would at least like for the child to know who is his father is someday. Of course, he will be helping support it as the Bible clearly states that.
But I'm currently still struggling with getting past the hurt and pain. It's extremely hard. This happened a year ago for them but it's like my present since I'm just founding out. I will never understand why he cheated and that hurts too. It seems he doesn't know except he got caught up. Ugh! He promised me and our kids will always be a priority and I believe him. If this was emotional, of course, it would be more of a struggle and I know I would not deal with it because then there would be feelings for the baby and the mom and I would not try to fight against that. But because it was sex, I feel we can get past this, although easier said than done, because sex and cheating hurt bad.
This girl is also military so they both could easily get in trouble, but I figure, why take away more from my kids than what will be taken from them in lieu of him supporting this baby. It's just amazing how couples could try for years to have a baby and then these two have sex a few times and make one over a course of one little month. It kills me.
Please any guidance would help greatly. Deep inside I feel I'm doing right, but now I'm starting to wonder what others may think of me by staying with a man who not only cheated but had a baby from this. I mean I know that baby wasn't intentional, just a consequence and that could happen to anyone who cheats, but I just don't want to seem like a weak person, although I know I'm not. I just don't know. He has also come forth and repented to God as well.
Yes, you are doing the right thing, as difficult as it is. This isn't a matter of weakness but a demonstration of strength that too many people don't have. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15). Your husband had done wrong, but since he has turned from his sins, you are doing what is right to release him from the debt his sin created against you. "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him" (Luke 17:4).
Like many people, because the nature of your husband's sin is totally contrary to what you would do in a similar situation, it is difficult for you to grasp why he gave in when you would not. Even though you proceeded to make a detailed list of his motivations that does explain how he justified sinning to himself at the time, you still can't understand it. Men tend to be straightforward, so I wouldn't look beyond what he actually said. His reasoning at the time doesn't excuse his sins, but I can see how he got trapped in sin.
Likely, one of the motivations that led to his repentance was the child. That wasn't something he could keep hidden. "But if you do not do so, then take note, you have sinned against the LORD; and be sure your sin will find you out" (Numbers 32:23). I've known teenagers who were caught in fornication, who only did it one time and did not complete the act, but she still got pregnant. Perhaps we can put it down to the Lord wanting to force your husband to repent. It wasn't that a child was conceived that made this wrong, your husband was committing adultery and it started even before he crawled into this other woman's bed.
But all of this is the past. You now have a present to deal with. You are correct that your husband must take responsibility for the child he conceived. He wouldn't be a decent man if he avoided his duty. Because you two are married and are one, his responsibility will impact your life; it just can't be avoided. Make the best of it that you can. Don't blame the child for other people's sins. Like any other child, it deserves to live simply being a child. The child is going to have a hard life being raised by a single mother, and for that the child deserves pity.
The big thing right now is getting your marriage back on track. Find a good preacher or counselor who will guide both of you with the Scriptures. There is not only the damage to be repaired, but problems that led up to the adultery also need to be corrected so there will be less temptation in the future. It sounds to me that this is something both of you can do because of the strength of your love for the Lord.