I have no friends. I don’t trust anyone

Question:

Hi,

I found this website by accident. I read some stories and would like to have some guidance and advice.

I'm the youngest of four siblings. My parents both work. Both make enough that we can manage.

When I was five, my next oldest sister passed away when there was a big earthquake in my town. Our house's wall fell down on my sister and aunt. At the time I was traveling with my mother and father. My sister begged my parents several times to my parents to take her along but since she had a final exam, my parents did not take her with us.

I remembered that day I fought with her. I don't remember what exactly it is, but it was a petty thing. When my mother refused to take her, I felt smug like the brat that I am. When news of the earthquake came on the television, my parents quickly called my aunt, who also lived with us to ask if they are safe, but my aunt didn't answer. My parents called other people and they told them that my sister was gone.

My sister was a very kind and good-natured kid. She was incredibly mature and people had nothing but great things to tell about her. I just knew that she was gone and was not coming back.

My father was not a Christian at this time. He followed another religion. After being taken to church by my mother, he started to believe, but after my sister passed away, my father didn't go to the church. My father was angry at God. He refused to go to church for months until a priest talked to him. After frequent visits from the priest, my father learned to accept that my sister was really gone and not to blame God anymore. He later became an enthusiastic believer. He even memorized many passages and can cite them like he is a priest.

I was moved to another city to live with my grandmother. My parents don't want me to stay, risking another incident. I needed to learn many things, like the local language. I was totally confused and stressed out. I hated moving to a new place. I didn't adapt well. I hated it at first, though now I can say I like it. Everything was so new and confusing. I wasn't even ready to have a grandmother. My parents only called a few times over the months. It was awful for me.

My grandmother disapproved of everything I did, be it studying, eating etiquette, etc., because I was a girl. My grandmother loved her grandsons but not her granddaughters. She always bragged about her oldest grandson who was said to be a genius. If not him, then it would be my brothers. At first, I tried to get her approval by doing as she said, but it got to the point that I didn't even want to acknowledge her as my grandmother. My female cousins felt the same way. We suffered our grandmother's harsh judgment. She always discriminate against us, whether it was test scores, food, or hobbies. Everything seemed wrong to her.

I didn't get to let my hair grow long. Every month my grandmother would take me to the barbershop and had the barber cut my hair short -- boy style short. One time I objected and she told the barber to cut my hair as short as she could. The next day my teacher commented that my hair was incredibly short. I was so embarrassed and humiliated.

For years she praised my brother, but she said I was an embarrassment to my family. My test scores were all perfect, except in math. She berated me on how I was such a failure, that I was so lazy and keep reading useless junk like the comics. She started to say I am such a nuisance to raise and why I couldn't be like my brother. He was cheating on exams, was late to school, and sleeping in class. My teacher, who had been his teacher in the past, even said how different I was from my brother. Yet my grandmother dared to say that I should act like my brother. Seriously?

She kept me poor by giving me no money to buy things. She makes me hate males so much that my blood boils if I ever lose myself to a male. Every day she tormented me. I grew hateful and I hated her with every fiber of my being. When she died, I felt empty. I was never able to forgive myself when I let out a tear for her when she didn't deserve it.

Now I am attending a university I don't like. I try to be grateful that I can still go to school, but I can't help but be envious of people who are poorer but who can do what they want. If I try to do something I want, my mother would reprimand me, telling me that I should understand her and not be such an ungrateful child.

I'm losing myself. I don't go to church or anything, I don't find relief and peace through hearing corrupt priests. They are just not touching my heart. I'm not involved in drugs, sex, or alcohol, but I might as well be, seeing as my everyday life is empty. My emotional state is hidden so people don't know how I am hurting because showing weakness is a disadvantage in my environment. I don't have real friends. My friends are all fake. They just come to me if they needed me.

My mother disagrees with me going abroad to study. She is immensely stubborn and her words are absolute. I can't say I love her, to be honest. She was never there in my life and it's like she is just providing material things and not the affection and understanding I actually need. She broke several promises to me. I distrust her now.

My relationship with my older brothers is a farce. They don't really care about me. My second brother really dislikes me -- frowning and always acting like I am a nuisance to him. Exactly what I should do? I used to have deep conversations with my cousin, but recently her mother passed away, and now she needs to provide money for her little sister. I'm afraid to burden her with my problems since she already had enough on her plate.