Please answer, I don't know who to turn to. I have questions regarding fornication. I've sinned, I couldn't resist the temptation. Now I'm feeling terrible.
What happened is I'm in a relationship with a guy I've known since high school. When I went to college I had a new friend who is about 12 years older than me. He was charming, nice, and it seemed like we were so similar. I had feelings for him. We went out a lot. He was being nice. One day we were at my place, but then my mother came back home, so he couldn't leave without her seeing him, so he came into my room. That was a really bad idea because we ended up having sex. It was my first time and it was terrible. I felt so guilty afterward but wasn't guilty enough to stop contacting him.
Things became worse when my boyfriend found out about it from a conversation between me and him. The situation was really bad when my boyfriend found out, but in a way, it was good because it forced me to resist the temptation. My boyfriend said he needed time. I kept on apologizing. I really didn't want to lose him. At some point, I stop talking to him and left him some space.
A few days later, I was angry at my boyfriend for some reason -- I don't know. It wasn't my place to be angry at him, I guess I was really lost and confused at the time, so I had sex again. After that, I felt guilty again. I knew I had to stop, and I did stop.
A week later, my boyfriend talked to me again. He decided to forgive me. He said he would give me another chance. I was very happy. I felt like I didn't deserve it, but now I'm not going to cheat on him again.
Now it's been a month and everything is going great with my boyfriend. He's trying to trust me again, and he is very loving. I minimized contact with my university friend. At times my friend said he wants to have sex with me. It was tempting and hard to resist at first, but now I don't feel tempted at all. So I guess everything is going great.
Today I feel so guilty, terrible, empty, used, regretful, scared, sad, and all that. I know God forgave me, but I just can't stop feeling bad about what happened. I feel so worthless and disgusting. I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I just feel wrong. It's eating me up from the inside. I don't want to tell my mom what happened because I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do it again. Action like this is not acceptable in my family. We are very strict. I will visit a doctor to get a check-up by myself. I feel like I've betrayed so many people including myself.
What should I do?
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10:13).
It isn't that you couldn't resist the temptation, it is that you didn't resist when you should have.
While you make it appear that circumstances caused you to have sex, the reality is that you weren't supposed to have a man in your house when your mother wasn't there. That is why you tried to hide him, which then led to an opportunity to have sex. There were several opportunities to have avoided this sin, but you did not take them.
Though you claim that you felt guilty about having sex and that you did not enjoy it, yet at the same time you constantly thought about it and used it as a way to get back at your boyfriend. You are not being honest with yourself about your desire for sex. Along with this, the man you had sex with is after you to have sex again. Instead of cutting off this man who wants you to sin, you stay in contact with the false belief that you can continue resisting.
You need to match your actions to your decisions. Right now the only reason you are resisting is that you don't want to lose your boyfriend. What should be first is the fact that the whole situation was wrong and that you need to please God regardless of whether you are dating a boy or not. You ought to feel bad about the fact that you sinned. When you firmly put your sins behind you, then you won't find them eating at you. You can look at yourself and say, "I'm not like that anymore." But right now you are not to that point. You are not confident that you've left this sin behind.
What I recommend first is cutting off contact with this man you had sex with. He serves no purpose in your life but to constantly tempt you and remind you of your past weakness.