I am writing to you because it's been now several years that I sought God in regards to the restoration of my marriage. It's really difficult to keep believing God wants the marriage restored, and in these "deserts" I feel that there's still one missing part in my understanding of God's Word that makes a big difference and weakens my faith.
The thing is that my ex-husband committed adultery, but I wasn't sure about it. I was very sad because all the circumstances led me to conclude that, yes, he was committing adultery, but still I was not quite sure. I just felt abandoned, rejected, and not loved. I tried hard to find out what the reason could have been that led to him not wanting to be with me anymore and things like that.
For almost one year I prayed and fasted over my marriage. After all of this, I decided that as he would not confess I would commit adultery myself, then he would feel more comfortable to confess, and we would both be set free from the torment: him because he clearly preferred somebody else to sleep with and me because I could have the opportunity of having a better marriage with somebody else one day or even being alone. I didn't really understand what I was planning. I hadn't really done all the math regarding the consequences that would come if I would commit adultery myself. So I did. I abandoned my home, slept with an ex-boyfriend from adolescence, and came back home just to tell my husband that he was not the only one who committed adultery anymore and that if his problem was not having the courage to admit his acts, I had done it in his place, so now he was free to confess and to leave the marriage.
As I had expected, he did so. He confessed he was in adultery for quite some time, but he cried and asked for my forgiveness. I could not forgive him by then, and I left home.
After some time, I realized how stupid I had been, and I repented from all my sins and asked him to forgive me. He said he could forgive me, that he still loved me, but he was living with another woman at the time. The woman was pregnant. She had planned it because he had always told her that he just wanted free sex, but he loved his ex-wife (me). She thought that by having a baby she could conquer him because we never had children.
Now he still lives with her, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he can't abandon his baby. He is also a drug addict, as he used to be before he came to Christ. It's been a few years that I waited for him to separate from this woman.
My question is: because I also committed adultery myself if I married somebody else I would be in sin (God forbid). What about him, can he marry this woman, who he says he doesn't love and have this marriage accepted by God? She knew from the beginning that he loved me and that he was an adulterer, and still she insisted on having a relationship with him, and she claims to be a Christian. Will I have to remain single? Will the Lord have mercy on me and perform miracles, restore us and our marriage?
You are both guilty of sin. The divorce was due to the fact that you both committed adultery. The fact that you committed it and then refused to forgive your husband for it demonstrates that you are just as guilty as he in that regard. This isn't a matter of who was first or who was "worse." The fact is that neither of you was innocent in breaking this marriage. Because of that, it appears that neither of you has a right to a second marriage.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. May God´s light keep shining upon you and your ministry. That´s just what I believe. I know that for a big part I am guilty, as much as him, if not even more, not only because of the adultery per se but also because I was a contentious woman and many other things that are as sinful as adultery.
Do you believe God would help me and have mercy on me and restore both us and my marriage? Is there a Scripture that I can rely on so that I can have peace and totally understand what the Lord has for us now that we did everything wrong and after I repented?
The Lord has mercy on all who repent, but you are looking at only things of this life. Whether your marriage is restored is independent of God offering you salvation from your sins. If your marriage comes back together is dependent on the choices you and your husband make. Could it be restored? Yes. Will it be restored? That is not possible to predict. You'll just have to wait and see how things play out.
"Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, "The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously"? But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble." Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up" (James 4:4-10).
Thank you so much for taking the time to serve God, speaking His word faithfully. God bless you abundantly. May the Lord's peace be with you.